I feel like every time I turn around, someone is talking about “finding your tribe”, and offering how-tos, advice and new podcasts. There are 10 new books out on Amazon this week with the word “Tribe” in the title. So, what, exactly, is this tribe and why do we classical musicians need to find it so desperately?
It’s not terribly complicated, actually. Your tribe is the group of people you spend most of your time with. They could be your office co-workers, or teammates, or, if you’re running a business, your tribe might be your customer base—the people you want to reach out to and communicate to-the people who are interested in what you offer. But as a regular person, your tribe is simply your group of close friends. Your besties. Your community. Your squad. Those people that you consider family–even though you’re not actually related to (thank god!). But here’s the thing. Finding our tribe as classical musicians is something I think we are pretty bad at in general, and I think we suffer a lot for it.
We grow up spending way too much time alone in a practice room. In fact, unlike on a sports team, if your friends are in the room with you when you’re honing your craft, you’re doing it wrong. I was lucky that growing up, I had a group of close friends who were all classical musicians. We were all good, we were all serious, and we all needed to practice. We’d call each other on practice breaks (and boy, was it ever exciting when they came out with 3-way calling!) or meet over at our community music center after school and steal rooms to practice in. We were close, we were supportive, but we were also ultra-competitive. I once won a competition and a couple of my closest, dearest friends said the most HORRIBLE things about me and how I clearly didn’t deserve to win. They said these things loudly and publicly and here I am, almost 3 decades later, unable to forget that harsh, unexpected sting of betrayal. I think I had some major trust issues with my friendships for years after that, and really, those past relationships still haven’t completely healed.
These days, the idea of building a strong, supportive community of people is a priority for me. I strive for it in my personal life with my own close friendships, and it’s the cornerstone of this blog–a place to share ideas, advice, successes and failures with a larger community of people–from the high school students hoping to get into a certain summer festival to the seasoned professionals who find themselves spending too many hours alone on airplanes and hotel rooms. We’re all in this together, folks.
The truth is, being a musician means that we are vulnerable. We put ourselves out there on a daily basis, and that is scary as hell. And while, in order to improve and grow, we need a fairly steady stream of critical feedback, we also need people in our lives who we can depend on to be our cheerleaders no matter what. Even if they were on the other side of that win.
These days, I am lucky enough to have an incredible group of friends. Several of them live spread out around the US, and even though I only get to see them maybe once a year or so, we always just pick up where we left off. I have a super close-knit group who are all in Boston (shout out to my laydeez!), and I get to see them whenever I’m in town. We know what is going on in each other’s lives. We go to each other’s concerts whenever we can, or at least try to send a “good luck!” text. I’ll admit, we could be better. We could have each other’s backs a little more. But I think that we’re all just so accustomed to doing our own thing. Our success as musicians has always depended upon our own private work–done alone–in a practice room. We were all raised to be a bunch of competitive loners pitting ourselves against each other. But I’ve learned over the years that a colleague’s success does not mean I will be less successful. It’s not a zero-sum game here, folks.
So let’s step it up a little bit, shall we? Think about your closest friends. Musicians? Writers? Accountants? Whatever they do, treat their successes as if they were your successes and celebrate wildly with them. Make their goals your goals and help them get what they need. Hopefully, when it’s your turn, they will return the favor.
Welcome to the tribe!