In my work as a coach–both with my group programs and in my 1:1 work, my clients have one huge thing in common: They are all seriously high achievers.
Concert violinists, principal players in orchestras, department chairs at Big.Important.Schools. Doctors, lawyers, mathematicians, community activists– I suppose it doesn’t really matter WHAT they do, so much as the fact that whatever that is, they are people who set high standards for themselves, and they work very hard to meet those standards, and then they set even higher ones.
It means that when they launch something– a project, a program, or an event of some kind, it’s not just GOOD, it’s AMAZING. Their wins are often big wins. The kinds of wins that change industries, break new ground and challenge the way people see their work or even society at large.
But this kind of high-achieving, high-standard-setting person (and, hello, by the way, I see you over there–you’re the same, aren’t you?) this character trait that we see in high-achievers in ALL industries has one particular monster that they battle over and over again:
Perfectionism.
Perfectionism, is, at its most severe, a debilitating symptom of mental health disorders like anxiety and OCD, but even in its most mild, everyday form, it can stop a person from moving forward.
- The painter who cannot put a show together because nothing they do is deemed “perfect” to them.
- The writer who never publishes because it’s never “good enough.”
- The recording artist who can’t stop editing, re-records everything three times, and then finally gives up the project altogether because they know “it could be better!”
As a fellow artist and borderline high achiever, I respect the desire to set and meet a higher standard, and I REALLY respect people who have the patience to keep at something. To revise, and edit, and think, and improve it. I suppose I did that naturally as a cellist–it was called practicing. But as a writer, this is something I’ve had to learn to do though the book-writing process. This podcast, for instance, will have been written out almost stream of consciousness– and then spoken into a mic to turn it into the podcast episode you’re listening to.
I’ve always been that way. I was the student who would sit on my notes for a research paper for months, only to wake myself up at 3 am the night before it was due, write out a first draft, and print it out just in time to walk into class and hand it to the teacher. (yes, youngsters, we used to have to hand in actual Paper Papers–we couldn’t just send over the file.)
I digress.
So, as much as I see both sides of the coin, As a coach, my job is to dig a little deeper. What’s behind that perfectionism, and how do we get this amazing human to move forward with a project?
One of my clients hopped into her Zoom call looking like she was going to explode from excitement.
“I’ve just realized something!” she explained. “ALL RESISTANCE IS FEAR!!!! When I procrastinate? It’s fear. When I create busyness in my life so I don’t have to work on it? FEAR. When I say it’s just not good enough? FEAR.”
Yes, grasshopper. It’s fear. It’s always fear.
I get it–your name is on that thing––forever! And that’s a terrifying thought. And however a person judges that one piece, that’s it–that’s your career and your legacy.
At least, that’s how it feels.
But is it really?
I can think of a time that I almost pulled the plug on a HUGE project because I didn’t think it would work. It wasn’t “Ready.” It wasn’t “Good enough.” And my coach at the time, Jennifer Rosenfeld, asked me a simple question:
JR: “What’s the worst thing that could happen here?”
Me: “It could fail, and be a huge embarrassment to me!”
JR: Okay…so it fails, and you’re embarrassed, and then what happens?
KK: My colleagues will think I’m an idiot.
JR: Okay….so your colleagues see you have this flop, and they think you’re an idiot. Then what?
KKUmmm…I suppose they’ll at least see me as someone who had the guts to try something?
JR: mmmmhmmm…and then what?
KK: Well, they’ll probably have forgotten about it by the next news cycle…And I suppose it’s not going to be my last project–I’ll do other things. And hopefully, those future projects won’t flop, and….yeah..okay, I’ll be fine either way.”
Out loud, I was screaming: ” It’s not up to my standards yet!” But inside, I was screaming: “I’m scared people won’t like it.”
So how DO we, as high achievers, navigate that line between wanting to meet our high standards, and not allowing perfectionism to get in the way of our actually doing ANYTHING.
1. Put actionable deadlines in place (and make yourself accountable to someone)
It’s not enough for me to say that I’m going to finish the first draft of my book by mid-July. I am HANDING OVER A FIRST (self-edited) DRAFT TO MY EDITOR BEFORE I GET ON A PLANE ON JULY 18th. She’s expecting it. She’s carved out time in her (summer) schedule to do this work, and it would be so shitty of me to say, oh, sorry—not done yet. And yes, it’s just the first draft and it’s still got plenty of time to “get perfect” but I’ve got those deadlines set for every step of the process. The fully edited manuscript is due on a certain date, and I’ll have enough launch events, podcasts, and appearances set up that there’s no way I’ll be able to pull the plug on it being published.
And that, honestly, is what it would take for me to hand it over when I COULD still make it better. I’m hoping my high-school self will re-appear, and say, hey–you usually got an A anyway…. 😉
This is one reason I encourage the people in my Profit Pivot course to decide on a venue and a date at the beginning of the process and pay a deposit, or announce it publicly. Anything to not give yourself an easy out.
Do you have a summer project idea (see Episode 25!) around learning a new language? Set up a call with a native speaker for September. Knowing that on that date, you’re expected to be able to have a basic conversation in, say, Portuguese, will keep you from giving up by claiming you’ll “never be perfect, so what’s the point?”
Wanting to learn some new repertoire, or create a new art series? Set up the concert or the gallery show NOW, and work towards that goal.
2. Ask yourself what is essential about your project
This might seem like an obvious question now, but trust me, it is so easy to lose sight of it when you’re in the middle of the project. When you’re feeling that pull between launching a project into the world, and wondering if maybe, just maybe, you should make it better, first? It’s important to take a step back and ask yourself why you were doing this in the first place.
What was Essential about learning a new language? (Challenging yourself? Being able to communicate better when you take that trip to the Azores in October?)
What was Essential about putting a gallery show together? (proving that you could create 10 somewhat cohesive pieces in a certain amount of time? Getting your name out there in the gallery listings?)
Asking yourself this important question gets you out of your own head, and out of your own fear and anxiety, and reminds you that the reasons behind the idea are still valid.
Because even if your accent is terrible and you only know a handful of phrases, you’ve STILL challenged your brain, and you WILL be able to communicate better in the Azores.
And even if you know you can create better art, you DID create 10 cohesive works in the time allotted, and you DID get your name in the gallery listings.
Those things matter, and they probably even matter more than your fear of what other people think.
3. Ask yourself what the worst-case scenario is, and play that out until it’s no longer threatening to you
Just like my coach Jennifer did for me, take yourself through your worst-case scenario. You’ve curated a concert. Worst-case scenario, nobody comes. Zero tickets were purchased, and now you’re out the money for the performers, the venue, and the marketing. (Actually, the real worst-case scenario is when you’re on tour and only 3 people turn up to a concert because of apparent threats to the venue that you knew nothing about at the time–ask me how I know…)
But anyway… What do you do? Maybe some of the musicians involved will offer to reduce or even go without payment….but this is worst case, right, so let’s say you have to pay them. So you spend your last savings to cover the costs. You’ll make more, your accounts won’t be empty for long. And i bet you learned a lot. I would even bet that you know exactly what went wrong, or what you could have done better to get people to show up.
The magic in this exercise is to keep going with “Okay, and then what would you do?” until you find yourself happily moving along, and doing your thing again—fear, resistance, and perfectionism defeated.
4. See Each Project as a Catalyst for Your Next Level
Even if what was Essential to you up in question 2, was to create the be-all, end-all masterpiece of the century. The definitive recording of the Beethoven Violin Sonatas, or a piece of public art that would be the most important piece of public art ever made, or to be the world’s greatest whatever of all time.
First of all, we can discuss the Ego another time, but I appreciate the nature of such a quest.
There is, however, something to be said for seeing this quest as more of a life-long journey than a hole-in-one opportunity. There’s a beauty, a richness, and a quiet strength in seeing each output as a step towards something greater.
“You only grow by coming to the end of something and by beginning something else.”
― John Irving said in The World According to Garp
Every time you allow yourself to bring a project to completion, you are also turning the page–advancing yourself in your own story. The plot thickens, the dots begin to connect, and the main character (that’s you) is further developed.
In our previous podcast episode, Episode 26 (not on the blog), I interviewed Dr. Meredith Hite Estevez, author of the new book, Artists for Joy, and she shared her ritual for finishing a project. She calls them her Four Curtain Call Questions, and you can get the whole bonus chapter that explains them further in the Episode 26 show notes!
Anyway, when she comes to the end of a project she asks herself these 4 questions:
- What am I Celebrating?
- What am I Grieving?
- What am I Noticing?
- What am I Hopeful for?
And I think this is such a beautiful practice because it allows us to have grace for its imperfections. You can celebrate the win–of completing the challenge, of the 10 phrases of Portuguese you learned, of getting your words and thoughts (or your playing, or your artwork) out into the world, or even the 3 beautiful souls who bravely came to your concert.
You can notice what occurred. The friends who showed up to help, the amazing coincidence of that conference full of music lovers looking for something to do that evening happening down the street that very weekend or your child announces that they made a new friend at school–there’s a new family that just moved from Portugal, and they live right in your neighborhood! You can notice how you felt when you were working on the project, and how you needed to manage your energy levels. You can notice all the things that will help you next time.
You can grieve whatever you need to let go of: Your expectations of higher turnout, that one funny note that couldn’t be edited into what you wanted, the chapter ending that never did feel quite right. You can see it, and acknowledge it, wrap your head and heart around not meeting it, and then release it.
And you can hope for its success, or you can hope that people enjoyed it, and you can hope that they invite you back, and you can hope that the next time around, it feels a little easier, that you’ll get a little bit closer to that vision of perfection. To your masterpiece.
Because you’re about to start again. Just this time, along with your high standards, you’ll get to bring a little more knowledge, a bit more experience, and a boatload more confidence along for the ride.
Because that’s the Perfection Paradox. We don’t want to finish something if it’s not perfect, but only by finishing something, and then finishing another something, and then another, do we stand any chance of getting close to the perfection we’re seeking.
Cheers,
Kate x
