How to Ask for Help (and how NOT to)

 

Today’s topic is “Help”. Asking for it. Giving it, and why it can be such an awkward experience on both sides—especially for artists. This is a journey that I am STILL on. Asking for help has always been my biggest challenge, and although I LOVE helping other people, and literally do it for a living, I also have some strong opinions, and a few pet peeves about the ways some help is sometimes asked for.

Today we’re getting a bit spicy. 

One idea that falls under the “Old and aged-out advice” category, is the idea that the most successful artists in this world were lone-wolf outliers who achieved that elite status all by themselves. We have romanticized notions of the dark, brooding, socially aloof artist who doesn’t have (or need or want) any friends, who famously ignores the wisdom and advice of their teachers, and who wins fame and glory by doing their own thing. Completely isolated and on their own. 

I’d like to call BS. 

Because that guy? They likely had a wealthy sponsor (or wealthy parents) who paid their rent, bought them a fancy instrument, or gave them studio space. The teacher they famously ignored? They still paved the way for them in a hundred different ways. Whether or not they admitted it, there’s one thing I know for sure, and that is that at one point or another, they had some help. 

And that’s great! There is absolutely nothing wrong with having some help along the way to our dreams. in fact, I highly encourage it! 

 

 

We ALL need some help from time to time. But asking for help can be an awkward thing–especially for artists, who are accustomed not only to having to do the bulk of their work honing their craft alone in dark rooms but in an ultra-competitive environment where it behooved us to pretend that we were little geniuses who had all the answers. NO MATTER WHAT. 

If we were to come into some valuable information—about an upcoming competition, say, or a more helpful way of doing something–we would NEVER share it. “Why would we ever just give away our competitive edge?” Our scared little brains would ask. 

 

 

Unfortunately, I see that carrying over into adulthood as well. Artists are slow to share things with each other. They hold a new favorite podcast as close to their chest as they do the fact that they might be taking the concertmaster audition that’s coming up- afraid of losing that edge.

And they are also slow to ask for help in mid-career. They are supposed to know everything, right? They’re supposed to be able to figure it all out. They don’t need help creating their next work of art, so why would they need help launching their new gallery?

I see this firsthand in my coaching work–Especially when I’m enrolling a new group program. If you’re reading this on the original posting day, I’ve just completed enrollment for my 6-month group program, Profit Pivot, and it was no different. 

There’s a stage where people are just circling.  I can see that they’ve opened and read all of the emails, checked out the sales page a few times, etc. They might have even come to my 5-Day Challenge, but one thing they won’t do is talk about the project they have in mind. For some, it’s too soon, and I totally respect that. There is a period of incubation (for us, and the project) where making it vulnerable to criticism can shut us down completely. But for a lot of people, they have trouble getting past that inability to say “I have this idea, but I’m not sure what to do with it.” 

Or, god forbid, “I think I could use some help getting this off the ground.” 

 

 

Luckily, most of them eventually get there in time. The people in this year’s cohort have some amazing projects and ideas, and they are going to be SO GLAD they raised their hand for this. 

I’ll admit, I also have a very complicated relationship with the idea of asking for help. As a latch-key kid, with busy parents, The phrase “Look it up in World Book” (the ’80s and 90s leather-bound version of Google) rang out in our house regularly. 

We were being taught how to be resourceful and self-sufficient. Both of my parents were more than happy to spend time teaching us a skill–how to cook, sew, garden, or put up drywall, for instance. Things that you couldn’t learn from a book as well as you could from an experienced person (again, the 80s and 90s version of YouTube) 

But “Hey Mom, what’s the capital of Wyoming?” was not something she was going to waste her breath on. The answer I needed was written in that leather-bound book on the shelf. Volume “W”. I could find it myself. 

 

That translated well to a life in the competitive arena of the arts. 

So I might have started out with a bit of a chip on my shoulder when it came to asking for help, but I think I’ve figured out a few things along the way. Some of these are basic rules of “Help-Etiquette” some are ways of reframing the kind of help you need, and some are just pet peeves of mine. They drive me bananas–in fact, let’s start with one of those…

 

#1) Don’t ask someone to fetch information that you can get yourself. 

AKA, allow me to introduce you to my friend, Google. Or…World Book. Your choice. 

The capital of Wyoming. The email address of that person who has a public website with their email address right there. What String Theory is (nobody knows.) 

Unless that person is a paid assistant, or you are simply delegating work amongst equal partners, if you can use a basic search engine to find the answer, do not ask someone else for it. 

 

#2) Ask for what you REALLY need. 

Are you wondering what the capital of Wyoming is? Or are you wondering what life is like in Cheyenne. Because you’d have to ask someone who has lived there or at least visited there, and that is a very valid question to ask them. Be as specific as possible, and include the why as well as the what. 

Do you need that person’s email address? Or are you hoping for a personal email introduction to them? Ask for the introduction–not the email. Bonus points for “Person X’s email address is on their website, so I can just email them myself, but since you know them, would you be willing to send a quick introduction email for me? I think it would make a big difference.”

People love to help. Don’t you? It feels good to know that you were able to help someone else. So don’t be afraid to be a bit vulnerable and ask for what you need, and why you need it.

 

#3) Don’t expect other people to drop what they are doing in order to jump onto your timeline. 

 

One of my biggest pet peeves is when people pop into my inbox or DM’s, tell me they’re in the middle of something and have a question they want me to answer. They make it clear that they want and expect an immediate answer from me so that they can get on with their work. 

Something like “I’m in the car, about to drive to my gig, and I wanted to listen to that podcast you mentioned.  Which episode was it again?”  I have 2 issues with this: a) You can pull up the podcast and figure it out if you really need to know immediately b) I’m sitting here at my desk working on something. I see the notification. I don’t really want to lose focus, so I would normally ignore it until later. But now I know that I’m choosing to make you wait on it, and I have to do the mental gymnastics to not feel guilty. But honestly, if I stopped working every time a question came in, I’d never get anything done. 

Now, caveat: This one goes both ways. We (especially those of us who are teach) should not feel that we need to drop everything and help everyone “in the moment” every time. Are there situations where we might want to? Yes. Of course. If a student of mine called me from Boston saying that they were backstage before a concert and forgot their bow at home, I would drop everything and call all of the cellists I knew within a 10-mile radius and get them a bow. Emergencies are emergencies, after all. But too often we make that the norm, which leads to expectations that we are ALWAYS available to drop everything and help them whenever they want something. 

So it’s up to us to help others learn the difference, and it’s also up to us to not put our timelines on others.  

 

#4) The difference between asking for help and asking a favor. 

Asking for help should be reserved for things that you absolutely cannot do (or cannot do as well) on your own. Help with learning how to do something. Help by having them share their wisdom and experience on a situation. 

A favor is something that you can do but would like someone else to do for you. Can you pick up the kids today? Can you take that bag of trash out? Can you come over this weekend and help me move? You ask someone to do you a favor to free up your time or make something easier for you.

Help is asked for and given freely–because we all need it at some point. Favors, however, should be re-paid–either in kind or in pizza. 

You can even ask Google-able questions if they are presented as favors. Ie “Hey, I’m super swamped trying to meet this deadline, can you do me a favor and find Person X’s email address? It’s probably just on their website.” 

 

#5) Don’t mistake “needing help” for “wanting connection”

 

We see this on the other side from the “intense” friend, or the “needy” student, right? It seems they are constantly in need of SOMETHING–and it’s often those Type 1, or Google-able asks. Well, more often than not, it’s a connection they are craving more than the need for help. They’re looking for an excuse to reach out. 

This is a lesson I had to learn the hard way. When I moved to Bermuda to live with my husband, I was a cellist, and he was a sailor. I knew all about music, and he knew all about boats. And he would happily come to my concerts, and I would happily go to his boaty things. At some point, It became clear that gardening, and specifically, growing vegetables was something we were BOTH interested in–AWESOME! How fun!  He and I got to work and cleared some spaces out on our property, created beds, and….and then he loved it so much, he started his OWN garden at the school where he teaches. 

I would pout and get upset that he wasn’t “Helping” me in the garden, and he would be annoyed because he knew damn well that I didn’t NEED his help in our home garden. He would proceed to talk about all of the things he was growing vs what “I” was growing and compare speed of growth, size, taste, or which was worse: my slugs, or his chickens. 

I was so frustrated, and downright angry every time he wanted to talk about his garden, and he couldn’t understand why I was so resentful of his school garden. 

Eventually, I realized that it was true that I didn’t need his help in the garden. I wasn’t craving assistance, but rather I was looking for a way for us to spend time together doing something we both equally enjoyed. Once I was able to articulate that? Well, he still drives off to tend his own garden instead, but at least he understands my intent, and he’s slowly starting to see it as an opportunity for spending quality time together. 

 

Okay, so we’re all just trying to navigate ways to connect, help, be helped, and do great things. I hope that your #1 takeaway is that it’s totally okay—more than okay, in fact, to ask for help. Getting input from others makes things better, leaning on the networks, wisdom, and experience of other people can help us grow stronger, and collaboration creates a wonderful sense of connection. 

Just remember these few simple rules:

#1) Don’t ask someone to fetch information that you can get yourself. 

#2) Ask for what you REALLY need

#3) Don’t expect people to jump onto your timeline. 

#4) There’s a difference between asking for help and asking a favor. 

#5) Don’t mistake “ needing help” for “wanting connection”

Have a great week, my friend! 

Cheers!

Kate 

P.S. And if you are ready to get some help getting your career to a point of Creative Fulfillment and Financial Reward, please feel free to reach out. Here’s a link to book a discovery call.  I would love to chat with you!