Tales From The Lane
Living Your Best Life as Creative Artist
Do What YOU Want: How to Stop Worrying About What Other People Think
I want to answer a question that comes up regularly for all artists. Actually, I’m fairly certain it comes up for all humans.
Why is it that whenever we have an idea to do something–like, move to a new city, change jobs, take a big audition, enter a competition, or go back to school–the first thing we do is start worrying about what other people are going to think?
Why do we DO that? Should we do it? And if not, how do we stop?
This concern that people might disapprove, or have any negative opinion regarding our behavior has stopped so many people from pursuing their desired path. From the teenager afraid to come out with the truth about who they love, to the lawyer afraid to admit that really, they’re a painter at heart, we have allowed the fear of what others might think, stop us in our collective tracks.
And it’s a damn shame.
It makes perfect sense WHY that fear comes up. After all, we are a tribal species. There was a time when being cast out of ones community left you frighteningly vulnerable to wild animals and the elements. Being cast out of the tribe meant certain death.
All mammals naturally pile up on one another–to keep warm, and to protect each other from wind, rain, cold, and predators. Have you ever noticed that sitting next to a loved one on the sofa is more comforting if you’re actually touching, than if you have space in between you?
So it’s only natural that our brains will do whatever is necessary to protect us from doing something that might upset the proverbial tribe–whether that is our colleagues, friends, family, neighbors–any sort of community we are a part of.
- Your brain will tell you that everyone will think it’s a stupid idea.
- Your brain will tell you that everyone will laugh at you.
- Your brain will convince you that you should just shut up and keep doing what you’ve all been doing.
Our brains are so good at this, in fact, that we can actually picture specific people mocking us, laughing at us, we can see images of them huddled together in the corner, talking about us behind our backs.
“She’s getting too big for her britches.”
“Why is she acting like she’s better than us?”
“Does she really think she could win that job?”
And since we can see it, we can also hear that person’s actual voice saying those things. It’s as if it’s real. As if they have already said them, and we are standing there, left to deal with the consequences.
But of course, no one has said anything–at least not that you know of–and taking, or not taking an action based on something your brain made up, is the same as being mad at someone because of something they did in your dream.
THEY DIDN’T ACTUALLY DO ANYTHING!
It would be easy for me to say something like: “Well, we’re not living in pre-historic times. We’re not literally in a tribe of animals keeping each other alive. Being cast out from your friends and colleagues wouldn’t actually kill you. And as far as you know, no one has said anything negative about you.”
“So stop worrying about it and just do what you want”
But it’s a bit more nuanced than that, isn’t it?
It would be great to tune out the noise of our brains and convince ourselves that everyone wants the best for us and that they would be supportive and happy for us no matter what.
That would allow us to think happy positive thoughts and move forward with our ideas and projects free of any fears or doubts.
But that’s not how it works.
Especially in the arts.
We’re a catty bunch, after all, at least, it can seem that way in groups of artists. There’s a certain “mob mentality” That comes out. The group of musicians complaining about the soloist during rehearsal breaks. The dancers picking apart the actions of that one colleague–how dare she think of herself as a choreographer! The artists gathering in the corner of a gallery opening talking about how the show’s artist is a “total sell-out”
We’ve all seen that. Everyone nods in agreement and heads off to the bar. Crabs in the bucket, doing their best to pull each other back down to the bottom.
It’s enough to keep anyone from trying anything new. Ever.
But here’s the thing! That might be what they’re saying in their huddled groups, but that’s not what they are each thinking individually. Individually, they are thoughtful. compassionate. Understanding. And individually, they want to know how they can get invited to play a concerto with orchestra. They would love to find the courage to expand their skills as a choreographer, or they are also looking for that sweet intersection of art that matters to them, and art that people want to buy.
Okay, so if we accept that 1) The voices we’re hearing in our head are purely made up and not real. And also 2) That in groups, people can be a little catty and try to keep others from rising to the top, how the heck do we get around worrying about what others think? Here are 5 ways:
1. Focus on the Individual, not the group.
When I first announced that I was ending my career as a professional cellist, I heard about groups of people talking about me–at parties, at rehearsals, during their commutes–the gossip traveled back to me quickly.
But the number of people who reached out to me individually to say that they ALSO wondered what it would be like to stop performing and thanked me for setting the example, was huge. In fact, some of those individuals were ALSO part of those groups of gossipers.
So worry less about what people are saying in groups, and make an effort to have conversations with people one-on-one. You’ll get their real thoughts, and those thoughts are more likely to be ones of support, understanding, and enthusiasm.
2. Remember that humans are too self-absorbed to care about what you’re doing (or not doing)
While people might gossip about your news when they first hear about it, they are far too busy living their lives to actually invest time and energy into your endeavors. One minute they are obsessed with “who you think you are, exactly?” and the next minute, they’re getting a call from the mechanic that their car needs an expensive repair, or the school is calling about their kid, or they get an email about a gig and voila, they are no longer concerned with you.
As an exercise, think back to the last time you heard a bit of juicy gossip about someone. How often have you thought about it since?
Yeah–that’s what I thought.
3. Remember that Criticism and Compliments are more about the giver than the receiver.
When someone compliments your hair, it’s not just that your hair looks good. It’s that your hair looks good in the way that THEY think hair should look. If they compliment your clothes, it’s because it matches their style. If they compliment you on a decision or a choice you’ve made, it’s because they also think that is the right thing to do. In other words, it’s about them. You’ve mirrored them and validated their own ideas about themselves.
Likewise, when someone criticizes you, it has more to do with them than you. I’m not talking about when you are actually, morally, ethically, or legally in the wrong–if you’ve screwed up and hurt people, that criticism is about you. (sorry). I’m talking about when someone criticizes your Elgar concerto and it’s because they are still bitter that they didn’t win that competition with their Elgar that one time, decades ago, and it was unfair, and they hate that piece and everyone who plays it.
Or they criticize a career move you’ve decided to make because they once could’ve made that decision but they chose differently. Your choice unwittingly challenges their past decision. It has nothing to do with you.
4. You’ll never see someone ahead of you criticize your wanting to make progress
Only those who are behind or at the same level will do that–they’re too scared to do it themselves and they’ve been justifying it by convincing themselves and everyone around them that it was a bad idea. If you do it, then you’ve just blasted through all their excuses.
This one is something I have seen time and time again, and I experience it personally. As Theodore Roosevelt said (and Brene Brown has brought back into pop culture) Being the Man in the Arena is not easy, and it’s not for the faint of heart. No one who has ever been in that arena (or any arena, really!) will criticize someone asking to be let in. If someone is pulling you down to the bottom of that bucket, it’s only because they’ve never seen the top.
5. They won’t be around forever.
A little over a year ago, I knew the time had come for me to stop teaching cello. My coaching and writing work were taking off, consuming more of my time and energy, and it was getting harder and harder to have the necessary time for both. But I had one student who had 1 year left in high school. I lost quite a bit of sleep worrying about what people would think if I “abandoned” a long-term student in their last year. In the end, I decided I needed to do what was best for me, but wouldn’t you know it, right before the school announced that I was leaving, this student quit–” wanted to focus on other aspects of her college application process” Had I decided to stay on another year, it would have been for her sake. But she didn’t even feel the need to say goodbye. For the record, I don’t have any bad feelings about this student–she made the best decision for her at the time, and I wish her all the best, of course. But it goes to illustrate that while we spend all this time worrying about what others will think, say, and do in terms of OUR decisions, they’re busy dealing with their OWN decisions, and often those decisions involve taking themselves out of the picture altogether.
At the end of the day, you’re the only one with all of the information about your life, and your life is your decision–not anyone else’s. If you’re going to concern yourself with what people will say about you, shift it to this: What do you want people to say about you at your funeral? Those are the things that are important to you. Go and do those things. No matter what anyone says about it.
Cheers,
Kate x
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I just spent 30 days in Thialand and Vietnam and experienced the way locals live.
I am so glad I did it even though I’m now in my 70s.