Tales From The Lane
Living Your Best Life as Creative Artist
Course Correcting Part 2: Navigating Change
In last week’s blog post, we talked about what it feels like to realize your life or career has somehow gotten off track. We’re not necessarily talking about a majorly negative thing, here, though it could also be that. For most of us though, it’s more a matter of realizing that, one innocent decision at a time, you started heading in an unintentional direction
You took a job teaching beginners at a community program because you needed some extra income, and here you are…20 years later, teaching beginners at 5 community programs, and NOT a tenured professor at a prestigious Arts school as you had originally planned (and still want).
Or you joined a co-op with some friends and are realizing that although you’ve had a blast making art and spending time with them, it’s never really been YOUR art, and your work isn’t giving you that sense of creative fulfillment you’ve been looking for.
We talked about
- Identifying it: How to know you’re on the wrong path,
- How to decide the right path or at least the right direction
- Identifying your steps, or at least your very first one
- And Choosing your method.
If this is all resonating with you, I would recommend hitting pause on this and going to last week’s blog post first. This one is going to pick up where we left off:
Namely, How to navigate the switch over to your desired path. We’ll talk about what you can expect, who and what you need to take with you, and my favorite tips and tricks to get yourself fully on that right path.
How You Start Depends On Your Chosen Method
I’ll use my example of leaving my teaching job/orchestral freelance career to illustrate.
If I had chosen to “Burn the Ships” (which I did not, btw) It would have looked like me submitting my letter of resignation soon after I had that fateful conversation about my retirement party. I would have said. STOP! NOPE! NOT DOING THIS ANYMORE! And I would have resigned. This would have been a problem for the school, but it would have forced me to figure out VERY QUICKLY, how to make up that significant amount of money going into my bank account each month. It would have spurred me into immediate action.
With the “Abra Cadabra” method, I would have resigned from the school but told no one about it. It would come out by the end of the school year and there would be a thoughtful decision, but key people would have been left out of the loop for months. I would have simply declined each and every gig offer that came my way–telling them I was busy or already booked, anything but that I didn’t want to play for them anymore.
Quiet Quitting: This is the rather immature way to go about things, right? And it would have looked like me deciding that this was all dumb, and not for me, but I was stuck for the time being, so fine, I’ll show up and do my job, but I’m not volunteering or taking on any extra work. I will never be there a second before I absolutely need to be, and I am out the door as fast as I can each day. As far as the performance side of things. I’ll look at the music, and go to rehearsals, but again, I’m not socializing, I’m not there early, contributing to the sense of community, and I’m out the door the second the rehearsal or concert is over. Because I have better things to do with my time now, right?
I chose to do The Subtle Pivot. I knew in early November that I was going to move to Bermuda–not full-time, but enough that I couldn’t continue to do my M-F teaching job. When my husband and I got married the summer before, we honestly weren’t sure whether I was going to move there, or he was going to join me in Boston. But circumstances became such that in November, a clear decision was made. I let my bosses know and fully committed to staying the rest of the year. I was giving myself an 8-month runway to make this switch over to a different career path, but I wasn’t going to sacrifice the work I was currently doing in order for it to happen.
Here are a few things I did that really helped.
1. I Prepared myself for the financial change
I knew that although I would be moving to Bermuda, I was NOT going to sell my condo in Boston (more on that later). That meant that we would still have 2 sets of monthly expenses, even though I was giving up 50% of my income. I decided to increase the percentage of my paychecks that went into the school’s Tiaa-Cref retirement fund each month so that it wasn’t a huge jump right away, but by the time I finished, not much was going into my checking account. I had 8 months to adjust to losing the monthly income. The bonus, of course, was that I was investing that money, and every time I look at that account I’m grateful for that decision!
I took full advantage of the time I still had at the school
One of my answers to the “No BS What will it take?” question we discussed in Part 1, was that I knew it would be helpful to have a CD under my belt. I had been working on some French duo rep with a pianist friend and we had a few performances under our belt, so we made a plan to record it over the school’s spring break. The recital hall had fantastic acoustics, and the school would be empty. I also applied for and received a faculty grant to help cover some of the costs. I built my website there, and I started putting my ducks in a row.
I committed to being fully present at the school even though I was transitioning out of it
I arrived first thing in the morning to practice before morning assembly, and instead of leaving campus when I had free time (again, I wasn’t full-time, so I had quite a bit of free time) I would stay in my office and work on booking concerts. I was able to do work for future me, but I was always available if a student or colleague needed something.
I instated a policy for my performance work
First of all, I could keep doing any gig I wanted to do for any reason—my friends were playing, I liked the rep, I wanted the money, or I just felt like it. Beyond that, I could say no to a gig only if I had already booked enough solo work that covered the performance fee. If I was giving up a gig that would be $800, I had to have booked a recital that would pay that same amount. This kept me financially sound and encouraged me to send out those (totally terrifying at the time) recital proposals.
What to Expect
Everyone’s experience is different, of course, but here are a few things that seem to be universal.
1. You will spend a lot more time worrying about what other people think of this switch than anyone will ever spend thinking about what you are doing with your life.
Seriously. All sorts of thoughts and imagined conversations will go through people’s heads as they navigate personal change and growth. The truth is, and I have several blog posts and podcast episodes that touch on this, that most people will a) either be supportive of your efforts, b) not really care at all. Or c) decide that this is preposterous and you must be gossiped about at great length. I can promise you that those c people are few and far between, and no one really takes them seriously.
2. A surprising number of people will ask you for advice about it
They will come crawling out of the woodwork, cornering you in dark alleyways to say “hey—me too! How can I do that?” most surprising of all, is that many of those people will be the same people that were in category c above, publicly crying foul about your actions.
3. You will have moments of sheer panic about your decision
Our brains want to keep us safe. It is their job to keep us safe. Uncertainty—Unknowns = UNSAFE to our brains. If we don’t know how the story ends? UNSAFE. So any time we set out to do something new, our brains will do everything in their power to keep us from doing it.
Add to that, the issue that you probably DO enjoy some aspects of your current situation. Maybe it’s a whole bunch of students that you adore. Or maybe it’s a group of amazing colleagues that you will miss seeing on a regular basis. Maybe, like me, it’s both. We’re not always running away from a harsh stick. Sometimes we’re running towards a carrot. Our brains, however, will tell us to ignore the carrot. They’d prefer it if we just kept doing what we’ve been doing, day in and day out. We already know how that works, we know how it ends. It’s nice and safe. That brain interference feels a lot like panic. Just breathe and ignore it.
4. You will also have moments of excitement and freedom
When you are moving toward something that is more in alignment with your goals, values, or dreams, it feels awesome. I remember reading the email inviting me to play on that first recital series that wasn’t local, wasn’t run by someone I knew, it was just a series I had sent a concert proposal to, and they invited me to perform on their next season. It. Was.Thrilling.
5. Those two feelings will alternate on a near-daily basis for longer than you expect
Both before and after your pivot, you’ll oscillate between highs and lows. It’s normal. Just keep moving forward, one step at a time. Warn your loved ones and let them know it’s simply a part of the process and to just allow you to go back and forth. A Lot.
The final aspect I want to talk about when it comes to Navigating these changes in career or life paths is the people you need to bring with you. Whether literally or figuratively, having these characters around will make the whole process infinitely easier and more enjoyable.
1. The Cheerleader
This is the person who is going to tell you every day how great you are for doing this, and that it’s going to work out brilliantly. We all need a cheerleader. Maybe it’s your BFF, or your mom, or your co-worker. It doesn’t really matter–just as long as they bring the pom poms.
2. The Guide
This is the mentor who has gone before you. It might be your old teacher, or a colleague or boss who did a similar thing once, or your friend’s dad. It could, of course, be a coach or a course that you enroll in to help guide you through. You can use me and this podcast as your guide if it helps you, but don’t go it alone. There’s no reason to wing it.
3. The Mirror
This person provides a safe space to bounce ideas and thoughts around. They’ll help you navigate those low periods of self-doubt and will allow you to talk through ideas and plans. Unlike the cheerleader who is there to provide that much-needed positive energy, The Mirror is more introspective and grounding.
4. Your Future Self/Inner Mentor
This is your potential self that I talked about in Episode 19. This is the version of you who has already DONE all of the things you’re dreaming about doing. They are there to offer you evidence of success, and to help you make decisions. Find your way to check in with them often, whether through meditation, journaling, or some other format.
The hardest part of all of this is to admit that you are not where you want to be. It’s not your fault. We all make decisions one at a time, and it’s hard to know where it’s all going to lead. And more often than not, all of those things you were doing will serve future you in some important ways. Every single thing you have done in your life has gotten you to where you are right now. And even if you’re on the wrong path, at least you know that it’s possible to get yourself on the right one.
I hope these stories and examples have been helpful. I share them as proof that you can do this too. And while I can’t promise it will be easy, and I can’t promise that there won’t be tears, with a bit of guidance and forethought, they will eventually be tears of joy.
You deserve to be doing exactly what you want to be doing, my friend. You know as well as I do, that the world will be better for it.
Cheers,
Kate x
Course Correcting: When Your Career Has Taken a Wrong Turn
“The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now.” –Chinese proverb
Today I want to talk about an experience that is common to all fields. Feeling like you’ve somehow gotten off course, and you suddenly realize you’re not where you meant to end up. Whether it’s about your career or your life in general, it’s this sense that you somehow, somewhere, took a wrong turn, and ended up somewhere you NEVER thought you’d be.
I’ve certainly been there, and I was on a discovery call with someone last week who is there right now. Sometimes, like with me, I knew which path I WANTED to be on, so it was just a matter of getting myself over to that trailhead. But for this person, they had no idea. They just knew it wasn’t where they were.
Let’s talk about Retirement Parties
Before I moved to Bermuda I had a thriving career as a freelance cellist in Boston––a city that has one of the best classical music scenes in the world. I played the best gigs in town, ran the chamber music program for the biggest youth orchestra program in the city, taught at 2 summer festivals, and had an almost-but-not-quite full-time contract at the world’s greatest school, as their Director of Orchestras and Chamber Music, and an Admissions Officer.
I had a constant stream of work, and money was flowing in. In fact, I was so busy, I had no idea how miserable I was.
At least, I didn’t know until one of my non-musician colleagues at that dreamy school brought up my future retirement party, and it stopped me in my tracks. It was one of those moments that will stay with me forever.
You see, at that school, they made a BIG deal out of a teacher’s retirement, and it was always something really special and personal to them. The school was the Shangri-La of schools, and teachers didn’t tend to leave until they retired. My colleague was waxing poetic about how they would bring in former students of mine and have them form a little orchestra, and they would play recordings from all of the groups I had played with. As she went on and on, I started to break into a cold sweat.
No! The thought screaming in my head. That’s not it! That’s not what I want people to think of at the end of my career. As proud as I am of my student’s successes, That’s not what I want to be known for. I loved working with my student orchestras, but it wasn’t my CAREER. It was just something I did on the side, right? Some recordings I happened to play on simply because I was the cellist the contractor called to play that particular gig that particular week?
That was not at ALL what I thought my career (or my life) would be about.
But, she had a point. Given what I was doing day in and day out, that is EXACTLY what my career was about.
I realized I had somehow wandered off course, expecting the tide to turn, but I had been doing the same exact things for years. Why would they suddenly change now? In the classical music world, your career was somewhat determined by external forces. That’s just the way things worked. Other people invited you to play concerts, other places asked you to come and give a masterclass or judge a competition. To be a musician was to sit and wait for the phone to ring. Both literally and figuratively. And people called you to do a thing because they had seen you doing that thing somewhere else. And so it went.
I realized in that moment, that if I wanted my career to look different, I would have to be the one making the changes. They weren’t going to fall from that sky. No external force was going to magically re-direct my career for me.
I missed playing the solo repertoire and chamber music that I loved so much in my early career days during and after college. I missed the glamour of traveling for concerts and playing in front of new audiences–all of the things that “Good” musicians did. Instead, I had fallen into complacency. Sticking with my friends, taking on jobs that paid the mortgage, but brought little in ways of fulfillment. The problem was, I was working so much, I barely had time to practice.
In fact, the only reason I was able to maintain my relationship with my fiancé was because he lived in a different country.
There are always moments in life when we look up and realize we are not where we want to be. Psychologist Martha Beck calls this “The Path of Not Here.” which I think is a beautiful way to think of it. In the moment, it feels like we’re on the WRONG path, but really, we’re on the path that is correctly and perfectly telling us we’ve veered off in the wrong direction.
It often feels like a moment of crisis. “Oh no,” we think. “All those years–wasted. Gone. What a horrible mistake I’ve made.”
Sometimes the path of not here is a relationship that isn’t (and hasn’t been) serving you. Sometimes it’s a career we hate or a series of behaviors and habits that aren’t in alignment with who we are or want to be.
How did we get there? It could have been because it seemed like a good idea at the time, or because we tried something and received praise for it, so we decided that’s what we should do. I have spoken to clients who chose college majors, went to grad school, and even got a PhD in Mathematics simply (in hindsight) because they loved their high school Calculus teacher. Turns out they don’t love Math––they’re just good at it.
Sometimes it’s just one subtle shift at a time, like my story above. My love for chamber music led a friend to ask me to give some chamber music masterclasses. Someone saw me do those, and asked me to run a student chamber music program. From there? I was good with teenagers, so teaching opportunities were always on offer. The paychecks were regular and slowly those regular paychecks forced me to say no to concert and travel opportunities that would have conflicted. I stopped practicing solo rep. I stopped playing chamber music. The change was so slow, so subtle, that I didn’t even notice.
It’s not like life was horrible. I had amazing friends, a great home, I did have time to do some traveling, and those gigs I was doing, while maybe not artistically fulfilling for me, were a hell of a lot of fun. I adored my students, and loved teaching them. I wasn’t unhappy doing that work, it just wasn’t the path I was meant to be on.
I felt that viscerally, with my entire being, once I came face to face with it.
If Not Here, Then Where?
Animal trackers will tell you that getting off the track is always a part of the process. That it’s important to know where the animal hasn’t been so that you can narrow things down. And the same is true for tracking our own paths through life. Finding yourself in Beck’s “Path of Not Here” can be seen as a fortuitous moment.
“Right! Got it! Time to turn around.”
For some people, the RIGHT path was known all along, it’s just that slowly but surely we inched ourselves off course. For others, they went down the road that they thought was the right path. They power forward with vim and vigor, sure that this is the way, only to reach the end of it and realize their car is not in this parking lot.
Now what?
A person in this situation. Realizing they are NOT where they want to be, and looking at dozens of different trail signs all veering in different directions can be daunting. So daunting, in fact, that you might choose to just hang out in the (wrong) parking lot and make yourself at home.
I can see it in the eyes of a new client when I ask them what they want their career (or life) to look like and they look downward and sheepishly say “That’s the problem. I don’t know. I just know that this isn’t it.”
One of my clients, Mark, was in that position. Having quit the corporate world, he knew he wanted to be an artist. He just didn’t know what KIND of artist. A sculptor? A painter? Mixed-media? Photography? He was paralyzed by indecision, feeling that he had wasted too many precious years already and didn’t have time to “experiment.” He wanted to figure out what he wanted, and then just go for it. Pedal to the metal.
It doesn’t always work that way.
What DO You Know?
For my artist client, I asked him to get quiet for a second. To sit still and just listen. And then I asked him this question:
“What is one, tiny little thing about this that you know to be true?”
And after a minute he said “I know that I want to spend part of every day making art”
And so we started there. For the next 30 days, he didn’t need to find any more answers. His only mission was to make some art every day. From there he started enrolling in a few art classes, and entered a competition, and has started posting his work and showing it to others. He has since been able to see more of the path he wants to be on, and it came out of asking, one step at a time. What DO I know?
- The soloist who knows they want to be home for their child’s birthday
- The freelancer who knows they want to perform outside of their own city
- The accountant who knows they want to grow roses in their front yard.
- The cinematographer who knows they are fascinated by chefs and the art of food creation
- The dancer who knows she wants to use her art to create a platform for climate justice.
Buckle Up.
If you thought being lost was scary, hang on to your butt. Because identifying the RIGHT path. The one that is perfectly aligned with your soul and your values, and you know in your heart is YOUR path, is scary AF.
You can see it, right there, but there are a lot of uphill bits, and there’s a waterfall you’re going to have to get around (don’t worry–it’s stunning!) and what’s worse, you now can’t NOT head out on this path.
And also, you’re too old to be starting over, aren’t you? Or not experienced enough? Or maybe you’re too young, or too fat, too skinny, too wealthy, too poor, too….pick your excuse.
And then tie up those laces. We’re heading off.
We all know the famous story about the painter, Grandma Moses, and how she didn’t become a professional artist until she was 78 years old. An avid artist as a child, she set her creative pursuits aside to make way for more practical activities like farming.
Or Colonel Sanders, who didn’t get into the food industry until he was in his 40’s and didn’t start KFC until he was 62 year old!
Any time someone utters the words “Well, it’s too late now. That ship sailed a long time ago, you can’t teach an old dog new tricks or some such quip, they are faced with this evidence that anyone can change their life trajectory at any time.
I had a student years ago whose father was a prominent and highly respected physician.. But he had originally trained as a jazz bass player. It wasn’t until after having his 2nd child that he decided to go to medical school–in his 40s (gasp!!) He finally became a practicing physician in his early 50s, and is now a leader in his field at a major hospital in Boston.
Okay, okay (I see you nodding in annoyance) I get it. A few special people can make a mid-life career shift. But HOW? And what about this, and what about that?
Well, let’s talk about this and that. And how.
Identifying
Back in Episode 21, we talked about meeting your potential self–the version of yourself that has achieved all of your secret goals, dreams, and desires. What is it that your Potential Self does that is different from what you are currently doing? What’s that amazing work that feels so aligned and filled with integrity for who you are and what you’re about? And if you’re still unclear, just start with what we talked about earlier—with whatever small piece of the puzzle you DO know.
Chart out the Steps
To steal from Brendon Burchard, No BS what would it take? (narrow it down to 5 steps) and then…. No messing around. If you HAD to achieve it, what 5 steps would you put into place?
Say you wanted to become an artist. Your 5 steps might look like:
- Buy some art supplies
- Create a dedicated studio space.
- Take some art classes
- Find a community to lean on for support
- Find places to show your art.
If you want to lose 100 lbs? Your 5 steps might look like this:
- See your doctor to get blood work done and discuss.
- Hire a nutritionist
- Hire a chef or meal service to provide healthy meals
- Hire a personal trainer who can help you stay consistent and avoid injury
- Clear your house of tempting treats.
Or Run a Marathon:
- Buy some good running shoes
- Join a running group
- Carve out time each morning and on the weekends to train
- Hire a trainer
- Sign up for incrementally more challenging races throughout the year. A 5K, 10K, Half marathon, and finally, the Marathon itself.
Yes–some of these steps might be costly, but it’s important to write them down. If you can’t afford to take art classes, what could you do instead? How could you learn from an instructor without paying for classes? Youtube videos? Can you trade art lessons from your neighbor for lasagnas or garden veggies, or childcare?
Choose your Method
Burn the Ships! This is when you quit cold turkey. It’s the person who just stands up, quits, and walks out the door. They’ll figure it out later. Although this is something I very rarely advise, there are times when it’s the best possible motivator, because if you DON’T figure something out, the mortgage isn’t getting paid. And there are a few situations where doing this might be the best method–especially when it comes dangerous, toxic, or severely unhealthy behaviors.
Abra Cadabra! (the great disappearing act) This is when you leave a situation abruptly, but don’t make a big deal out of it. You politely decline each gig rather than tell the contractors that you’re no longer interested. You just…disappear, but without having to make a grand announcement or answer people’s questions before you’re ready to discuss your next moves.
Quiet Quitting (nobody likes that guy) This is when you show up and go through the motions even though your heart is no longer in it. You do the BARE minimum and collect your check. In theory, it should be fine–you’re doing exactly what they are paying you to do, right? But the negative energy and lack of enthusiasm coming from you will be palpable, and will drag EVERYONE down. That’s not fair. Don’t be that guy.
The Subtle Pivot (Before they knew it…) This is when you use your current work (even though it’s the wrong work) as a runway for what’s next. You make a commitment to continue to give 100% to what you are doing, while slowly putting the important plans in place for your next move. You’re applying to school while kicking so much butt at your job that your boss writes you an absolutely glowing letter of recommendation.
Okay–we’ve talked about:
- How to know you’re on the wrong path
- How to decide the right path or at least the right direction
- Identifying your steps, or at least your very first one
- And Choosing your route.
Next week we’re going to cover how to navigate the switch. What to expect, who and what you need to take with you, and my favorite tips and tricks to get yourself fully on that right path.
See you back here soon!
Cheers,
Kate
Making Space for What is Most Important
I want to talk to you today about the idea of making space for what is most important to us. This can mean a lot of things. It can mean making sure you have enough time in your schedule, and it can also mean clearing some head space to make room. “What is most important” can be a lifelong value like “family” “Friends” or “making art” and it can also be a temporary one-time project. However you’re doing it, and For whatever “thing” you’re doing it for, one thing is for sure:
In March of 2020, everyone decided that they had been too busy. Their lives were too chaotic, filled with too many extraneous activities, and we, as a society, were all running on empty. We swore, once the world shut down and we were forced to experience a slower pace with more mental space than we could ever have imagined, (aside from, you know, keeping everyone healthy and safe, and not murdering the family members that were crawling all over you), that things had gotten out of hand, and we’d NEVER go back to those pre-Covid levels of busy-ness.
Guess what?
The #1 complaint I hear from people on discovery calls is that they don’t have time to do the things they want to do.
“I’m just so busy with the kids, and teaching, and my own performing”
“There aren’t enough hours in the day.”
“I’m so exhausted by the end of the day I can’t even imagine working on my own project.”
In 2 short years, we went from “we’ll never go back” to “I guess we’re back.”
Many moons ago, I was sitting in a conducting class at Tanglewood, and Daniel Barenboim was talking about Tempo, and how one goes about determining the speed and pacing of the music they are conducting or playing.
“It’s like packing for a trip.” He started.
“If you’re going away for a weekend, you only need an extra shirt, change of underwear, some socks, maybe a dress and a 2nd pair of shoes. Not much. Easy.”
But if you take those few things, and pack them in a large steamer trunk, by the time you arrive at your destination, you’ve got one shoe over here, and you can’t find the other one. There’s a shirt here, but the trousers that go with it are in some other compartment. Everything is too far apart, and you can’t see what goes together.”
It’s how you know your tempo is too slow. Everything is so spread out that by the time the phrase ends, you can’t remember how it began. Different themes become completely disconnected, and harmony changes don’t make any sense.
But, let’s say you’re going on a month-long holiday in Europe. You’re going to do some hiking, some swimming, attend a friend’s wedding, go to some nice dinners, and spend some time visiting the various city sights. So you need a lot of things–outdoorsy things, and your beach things, nice clothes, and a camera, and binoculars, and at least 4 different kinds of shoes. A lot. But you cram it all into a small duffel bag, so when you arrive at your destination, everything is all crammed in there together. Wadded up and wrinkled. You can’t find the dress you want to wear to the wedding because it’s squeezed between your hiking boots and your bathing suit.
It’s a disaster.
And that’s how you know that your tempo is too fast. There isn’t enough time between the notes to hear them for what they are. Phrases whiz by and the harmony changes so fast, and the listener can’t keep up. It’s chaos.”
And what is a piece of music if not a metaphor for life, right?
I had a cello student who (rather famously) was in about 3 after-school activities every day. 5 (FIVE!!) different instruments, 4 sports (simultaneously—we don’t have “seasons” here) plus debate, math club, church youth group, karate, and a dance class.
I asked him once which were his favorites.
“I dunno–I just go from one to the next. I don’t really think about whether I like it or not.” he said, looking a bit sad.
I’m sure it will be a surprise to no one that he wasn’t particularly good at any of them. He never had any time at home to practice anything–he never got to experience that feeling of working at something he loved and seeing himself get better at it. He ate dinner in the car most nights and got home just in time to do some homework and go to sleep. I often think about him and wonder if he’s recovered.
That kid needed some space. To think. To decide which of these activities he actually enjoyed. To spend time getting better at them. To learn how to determine which was most important to him.
In today’s rampant Hustle culture, being busy is a badge of honor in many places. I think that is starting to change (I hope that is starting to change) due to the increased awareness of the effects of burnout and the rise in mental heath issues.
And yet…as artists in particular, there is the pressure to take a gig the second it is offered to you. If you CAN do it, you SHOULD do it. After all, everyone is looking to make more money and be seen as valuable, and if you say no–they might not ever ask you again, right?
So we end up with jam-packed schedules. Waking up early to practice or get kids off to school–or both. Running around to a department meeting, picking up some art supplies. Taking a class, practicing more, then doing our admin work, another meeting, and then off to teach or to a rehearsal. Home at 10 pm. Glass of Malbec and some microwave popcorn for dinner. And do it all again the next day.
No wonder you’re tired. No wonder you don’t have time to work on your own projects. No wonder you’re asking yourself if this is what it’s always going to be like.
It doesn’t have to be. Let’s make some space.
Cal Newport’s latest book, Slow Productivity is a thin book. Short and sweet, but it packs an important punch. Its premise: The people throughout history who have made major contributions to culture and society (and he talks about everyone from Dante to Lin Manuel Miranda) did their work at an almost excruciatingly slow pace, and they all worked pretty much exclusively at that one thing. His three steps for success:
- Do less
- Obsess over Quality
- Work at a natural pace
It sounds a lot like how we learned our craft as kids. As a young dancer, musician, or actor, you likely worked on one piece, or show at a time. Had a lesson each week, likely did some other classes within that art form (Ballet, Jazz, and Tap as opposed to Ballet, Trumpet, and Debate club) and we weren’t forced to practice 12 hours a day. A little bit each day goes a long way is what we were told.
We did less. We obsessed over quality–hopefully in a healthy way–working hard to make each time better than the last, and we worked at a natural pace. It’s how you got to this advanced point in your career.
But now as adults, the tendency is to do to ourselves what my poor student’s parents were doing to him. Over-scheduling to the point of chaos. Shoving too many articles of clothing into our duffel bag lives.
But how does one make this shift while fully enmeshed in the status quo? You can’t turn down work because you’re not making enough as it is. You’re involved in your kids’ schools or your community boards. You volunteer, you chaperone, you chauffeur a bunch of pre-teens around every weekend.
I bet you CAN do it though. I bet, slowly but surely, bit by bit, you can start making more space for what is important to you. And in doing what is more important to you, you’ll likely end up making more money than you’re about to give up.
You give up the crappy $500/month adjunct job that sucks up your time and your will to live, but suddenly have 12 extra hours a month to spend on making art that you can sell for $1000 a pop.
You stop driving to that “okay” gig that’s a 3-hour drive and use that week to set up a successful fundraising drive for your new festival.
You give up teaching the after-school dance class that brings zero joy and have 3 hours a week to create your own company.
The steps?
1. This week, clear out one not-so-necessary item from your to-do list
This could be subbing out that memorial service you were going to play on Thursday morning, or ordering a pizza for dinner instead of cooking to give yourself an extra 45 minutes. Maybe you tell that student who is constantly canceling at the last minute that you’re sorry, but you can’t reschedule this week. Your job this week is to find 1 hour of space.
2. Spend that hour in service of something that feels important to you
Brainstorm ideas for your next creative project. Call your favorite aunt. Take your dog for a walk. Take your spouse for a walk. Bake cookies with your kids, bring that sourdough starter back to life, Or just listen to music that you love. Whatever you do, do NOT fill it with other tasks that feel unimportant. The purpose of this is to FEEL the space. Remember the endless hours of Covid lockdown when you’d wander around thinking “Now what should I do…..?” bask in that feeling for an hour.
3. Think about which things in your life you could give up, and put a price tag on them
Start brainstorming various ways you could make up that income elsewhere. Giving up that horrible teaching job that pays $30/hour, and taking on 2 new private students at $80/hour means that you’ve just traded 5 hours plus 1 hour of commuting at $150 a week for 2 hours at home for $160 a week. You’ve just given yourself 4 hours a week and an extra $10 bucks. (okay, minus taxes, but still…I’d say you’re coming out ahead)
Know that it’s going to feel strange. When you’ve been so busy for so long, and when you’ve been chained to the mindset that there is always something more productive that you could be doing, sitting in the spaciousness of time feels so wrong at first. Know that this is where the magical thinking occurs.
This is the space that allows you to notice the good ideas that have been lurking inside your brain. This is the space that keeps burnout from happening. This is the space that keeps anxiety at bay.
This space is the perfect sized luggage for your life. The suitcase that holds all of the important things you need to live your good life, and the space to see them all clearly.
Cheers, my friend!
Kate x
If you would like some guidance and support as you navigate towards this incredible version of yourself, let’s talk. I offer 1:1 coaching packages to creatives who are looking to find creative (and financial!) fulfillment, create a legacy they can be proud of, and create that incredibly rewarding life they were always meant to live. Book a free 30-minute discovery call HERE and we’ll see if this is the right fit for you.
Meeting Your Potential Self
I talk a lot about the idea of “Potential”. As artists, it seems our lifelong pursuit is in reaching it, sometimes losing ourselves (and often our friends and family) in the process. My work as a coach is about helping people reach their own potential–whether that work is about defining it, getting past the mindset obstacles in the way of them reaching it, or figuring out how to both reach that potential AND have a normal healthy life with a family and friends and travel.
Is it possible to achieve your potential if you’re not dedicating every waking moment to your craft? I believe the answer to that question depends on how you define “Your Potential.”
It’s easy to take what you do–cellist, basketball player, singer, dancer, poet, etc. and compare it to whoever is considered the “Best of the Best” in that field. the Yo-Yo Mas, Michael Jordans, Maria Callases, Martha Grahams, and Maya Angelous of the world.
Growing up, wanting nothing more than to have a career as a cellist, I would see the glamorous soloists, hear the stories passed down, and experience my own stories of intermingling with these stars. To my sixteen-year-old self, it made sense that to meet my potential as a cellist meant to be the best cellist in the entire world.
But that’s only one area of my life. At sixteen, it was the only one that mattered–save whoever my latest crush was–but at sixteen, we’re not always aware of what life is all about.
So what happens when we grow up and want to reach our potential as an artist, but also as a spouse, a parent, financially, what if we have additional new pursuits and want to reach our potential as a painter, or an interior designer, or a gardener?
If becoming the best of the best requires 100% focus, then by definition we can’t be the best of the best at more than one thing.
But what if we redefined “Our Potential” to reflect our own personal best? What does that look like? How do we find it? And how do we pursue it?
The Story That Changed Everything…
I once heard a story told, almost as a side note, on a podcast–and what is driving me bananas is that I can’t remember which podcast it was. I thought it was an interview with Tim Ferris and Jonathan Fields, but I cannot find it! Anyway, it’s safe to say it was one of those moments that changed everything for me. My entire book is centered around this question:
What if, when you die, you go to heaven and you’re met by the version of you who reached their potential?
Doesn’t that just stop you in your tracks? I found it both terrifying and fascinating. What would Kate-who-met-her-potential be like?
What was fascinating to me was what she HADN’T done. She wasn’t a superstar Best of the Best Cellist of all the land–and in an instant, I realized that that simply wasn’t that important to me. She had lost these extra pounds I’ve carried around since I was in middle school, and her teeth were straight (wait, I was supposed to WEAR that retainer? Oops) In meeting her, I knew very clearly what her house looked like, what her social life was like, and that she was a writer.
That was the moment I realized that I had always secretly wanted to be a writer, but I had chosen “cellist”, so…oh well. Thankfully, she was still happily married to my husband Paul (phew!)
From the macro to the micro, what became clear to me was not only what I would regret not doing, but also what wouldn’t matter to me in the slightest.
It was like, if I met her and she was a brain surgeon, I’d probably think “Oh, that’s nice for you, but I didn’t miss not being a brain surgeon in my version” But I would look at her perfectly straight teeth and kick myself “Man, all it would’ve taken is a few months of Invisalign!”
I believe we should strive to reach our “fullest potential” but I also believe we need to get honest and quiet, and we have to take the time to define that for ourselves.
Once you have that endpoint in mind, it’s about a) getting there and b) enjoying the process. That is going to look different for all of us, but here are a few exercises I’ve used with clients that can help you get some answers.
1. Define Your Potential Self
Take yourself to that moment of meeting the version of yourself that did all of the things you want to do. Describe them in detail. What do they look like? What have they done? What do they do? What does their house look like? Their car? What do they do in their spare time? Get it all down on paper. Also, pay attention to how they seem. Calm? Happy? Energetic? Warm? Cool?
2. Define the required steps
For each thing you described, define the steps that would be required to accomplish it. Whether they are in your control or not. “Fix crooked tooth” = set up an appointment with the dentist, and come up with a plan. “Get a tenured professorship” could = work on resumé, create and publish a legacy piece–written or performed, apply for jobs and get some interview coaching, network with colleagues, etc. Whatever it is, no matter how out of reach it seems right now, you need to see it as a done deal–That version of you did it, therefore, you can too–and have a list of action steps you can take to get yourself there.
3. Having trouble “seeing it”? Ask yourself “And then what?”
Let’s say your potential self loves to grow their own food, but….to what extent?
Do they build a vegetable garden?
Yes.
And then what?
And they add a greenhouse or polytunnel set up to extend the season with indoor growing.
And then what?
And they get some backyard chickens for fresh eggs.
And then what?
And then they buy some land and start a farm….No….hang on…that’s too much. Just the veggie garden, the greenhouse, and the chickens.
If you push it even a little too far, you’ll know. Find that sweet spot that sounds almost too good to be true, but you’d be so psyched if it happened.
Maybe it’s the point where you’re in demand as a performer, but not to the point where you haven’t seen your kids in 3 months.
Or the point where you have the pick of the litter when it comes to the students you’re teaching, but before the point where you’re teaching 7 days a week between 3 schools.
Or the point where you have a seat at the table, but before you’re the one in charge.
Or maybe you are the one in charge.
It’s up to you. We all want something different, and that’s the whole point.
4. Mini Leaps and High Dives
When it comes to becoming this version of your Potential Self, it’s a combination of small, everyday actions, and a few bigger, perhaps key, jumps out of your comfort zone. If you decide that your Potential self has backyard chickens, then at some point, you’re going to have to build or buy a chicken coop and learn how to raise chickens. At some point, I’m going to have to make that appointment with my dentist to discuss my crooked tooth. At some point, I’m going to have to sign the papers and pay the deposit on the Invisalign.
But the mini leaps will get you closer as well. Booking a concert, tweaking your resumé, going for that first, slow jog…the beginning of your journey to becoming a marathoner. Plant a few bean seeds on the windowsill, write a few notes of your first composition, a few words of your first book.
It all counts. It all gets you closer.
5. Be purposeful and joyful
Ask yourself weekly, “What can I do this week to get myself closer to that ideal, and how can that be fun and enjoyable?” Was your Potential Self anxiety-free because they had saved plenty for retirement and were living the dream? Can you gamify your savings plan to make it more fun (and make sure it happens!)
I like to imagine myself in that original scenario. I somehow meet my Potential Self, and she’s my twin in every way. We high-five each other, flashing our matching perfectly straight teeth. “You did it!” She exclaims, hugging me, and off we go to gather that morning’s eggs from the chicken coop.
Remember, the pursuit of your potential is not a one-size-fits-all journey. It’s about defining what success means to you and taking intentional steps toward that vision while finding joy in the process. Whether through small daily actions or daring leaps out of your comfort zone, each step brings you closer to becoming your fullest self. So, as you navigate your path, keep in mind the version of yourself you aspire to be, and let that vision guide you toward a life of fulfillment and purpose.
If you would like some guidance and support as you navigate towards this incredible version of yourself, let’s talk. I offer 1:1 coaching packages to creatives who are looking to find creative (and financial!) fulfillment, create a legacy they can be proud of, and create that incredibly rewarding life they were always meant to live. Book a free 30-minute discovery call HERE and we’ll see if this is the right fit for you.
Cheers!
Kate
Courage Before Confidence
Today, we’re going to talk about the #1 thing that keeps people from making progress on their dreams, their goals, and their lives: Waiting until they feel confident enough to do it.
We’re going to dig into why we do it, Why it’s such a huge mistake, and how to muster that thing you ACTUALLY need first: Courage.
*** Before we start though, I wanted to remind you all that we are just 2 weeks into Quarter 2, and it’s not too late to do your Quarterly Retreat. I LOVE doing these stay-at-home retreats each quarter–they allow me to check in with my goals, my progress, and my finances, and make a plan for what needs to happen over the next 90 days. I figured out a great repeatable process that has been a total game-changer for me, and I’d love for you to have it too. You can download my free Quarterly Retreat Planning Guide today, and start putting plans in place to set your next 90 days up for success***
Okay, so I was on a Zoom call with my Creatives Leadership Academy clients last week. We were doing a bit of a check-in on what everyone is working on, and there was one clear theme that kept popping up.
One client, coming off of a hugely successful event, was wondering why she had been so nervous about it.
One client, who had carefully and meticulously put all of the many pieces in place for a first-time project, was talking about how she might not do it after all because she didn’t think she was ready.
Another person’s project was delayed 6 months, and, although she had the opportunity to do it in a smaller venue sooner, thought that maybe she should just wait until “The big one.” even if it was super delayed.
And yet another person was desperately trying to figure out what they were missing. They were running their event for the 2nd time, and couldn’t understand why they felt so much calmer this time around when they were a nervous wreck the previous time. Surely, they were forgetting something big and important, right?
Wrong.
They just have the benefit of feeling confident this time. Last time it took every ounce of energy they had to drum up the courage they needed.
We have to muster up the courage first. The confidence comes after that 1st success.
- Client #1 was nervous because she had never done that particular kind of event before.
- Client #2 was looking for confidence to launch their project for the first time and they were never going to find it.
- Client #3 would miss out on the opportunity to gain the confidence of a successful “early” run that they could lean on for “the big one”
So many of us get caught in the trap of waiting until we feel “ready” before we commit to taking something on.
Not applying for the job because you didn’t meet every single qualification with years of backup experience. Not entering the competition because you didn’t feel confident you could win. Not taking the audition because you were certain there were more qualified people than you.
We miss out on so many opportunities–both opportunities that you’d already be brilliant at, and also growth opportunities.
A year ago, we were planning the first summer Pops concert for the Bermuda Philharmonic. I could picture it all in my head. A big tent with chairs set up, the orchestra at one end of it, other concert-goers picnicking on the lawn outside the tent in their beach chairs and blankets, food trucks all around the back, and a perfect day.
But even though I had a clear vision for it, I had ZERO confidence it would come together. Why? Because I had never done it before. I had never worked with the tent vendor–who seemed just a tiny bit flakey. I had never worked with this kind of staging before (had I given the stage guy the right dimensions? Would there be enough room?) I didn’t know. What would happen if no one brought lawn chairs and didn’t have a place to sit? What if it rained? What if no one bought tickets?
It was all brand new. To me, and to them.
I had Zero confidence that I had planned it all correctly.
However, I DID have confidence that I would be able to figure things out in the moment and make it work.
And I had confidence in my ability to summon a large dose of courage.
Courage to try it. Courage to show up. Courage to be in charge of this event–no matter how it went.
It went great. When I showed up early that day, the tent was already up and the chairs had been delivered. The stage was getting finished up and it was the perfect size. I had asked for a mic, but not a mic STAND, but that was fetched. We had the electric keyboard, but not a long enough extension cord, but that was purchased from a nearby store in time for the end of dress rehearsal when we needed it.
The food trucks arrived.
The audience came in droves—-some to sit in the tent, and some with their beach chairs and blankets and picnics.
It was great.
And now this year, as I’m planning it, it doesn’t feel so terrifying. I know the tent guy will be just fine. The staging is the right size. we know to bring a mic AND a mic stand. And an extension cord for the keyboard. The audience remembers last year and have already told their friends to come too. The food trucks (who Cleand UP that night) are excited to return.
We all have the confidence because it’s a proven concept.
Last year required courage. This year we have Confidence.
So, now, the big looming question:
How, exactly, does one muster this magical courage?
Practice.
In Episode 8, I talked about the 4 Crucial Truths I had to learn the hard way, and truth #4 was that Courage is a muscle, and that like any muscle, it can be strengthened.
If you are someone who often talks yourself out of things, you can learn to build up your tolerance for fear–I mean that’s all it is, right? We’re afraid we’re not ready, and that we will look foolish. We’re afraid we won’t win and we’ll feel disappointed. We’re afraid we will fail, so we don’t even try.
The goal here isn’t to never feel that fear. It’s normal to have those thoughts and feelings come up.
The goal, rather, is to feel that fear, and say: Yeah, maybe, but I can handle it, so let’s just see how it goes.
Start small. Send an email to someone who seems “out of your network.” Ask someone at a store for a discount. Ask the restaurant host if there is perhaps a nicer table (politely, obviously). Raise your hand and ask a question in class, or in the meeting, or at a workshop. Look for small opportunities throughout your day to use that courage muscle, and keep notes on what happens.
If you do it often enough, you’ll start to see that 1 of 2 things happens. 1: it all works out great. You raised your hand, and got called on, asked a question, and it turned out to be a great question–one that everyone was thinking too, and one that was a catalyst for a fantastic conversation. Or 2: It doesn’t work out. You raise your hand, get called on, ask your question, and it seems that everyone in the room already knew the answer. It feels awkward for about 30 seconds, but everyone seems to be acting totally normal around you afterward–like nothing happened.
In other words. It’ll work out in your favor and you’ll have confidence in your ability to do THAT thing again. Or it won’t work out in your favor, and you’ll have confidence that you’ll be fine either way.
Your heart might be beating a thousand times a minute, your palms might be sweating. You might have a few sleepless nights, but with a slightly stronger courage muscle, you’ll be able to move through it.
Another way to help muster your courage is to put some accountability in place. Sometimes all you need is to say it out loud on social media. Even though only 2% or so of your followers will see it, psychologically we feel bound to follow through if we’ve made what we feel to be a public announcement.
Accountability can also be in the form of a good, trusted friend. “I am going to take this audition!” or a mentor “I am going to start this artists’ co-op.”
To help you WANT to continue to strengthen your courage muscle, you can reward yourself every time you use it. A small treat–whether that’s a piece of chocolate, or your favorite coffee drink, or a few chill moments, listening to your favorite podcast. Whatever it is, train your brain so that it will get a little shot of dopamine whenever it demonstrates courage, and you’ll be looking for new opportunities left and right.
At the end of the day, you have to decide whether you want to put yourself in the arena or not. There might be people who aren’t suited for the arena. They prefer a quiet, relaxed, stress-free, and reliable environment. That’s great–and that can also be great for all of us during certain periods of our lives. But if you are someone who is yearning for something more, something bigger, better, greater, whatever….it’s going to require courage.
I can guarantee that you will be faced with many MANY moments where you ask yourself if you have what it takes, and honestly, you just won’t know until you try it.
Suppose you’ve been listening to this and thinking about a big shift you want to make in your life that you know will require HEAPS of courage and accountability, and you would like to work with me 1:1 to help you navigate that. I DO have spots available this spring, but only 2!, So book a client strategy call with me ASAP so we can talk through your goals and ideas, and have time to make that decision without feeling rushed.
Have a great one, and I’ll see you next week!
Cheers,
Kate
Do What YOU Want: How to Stop Worrying About What Other People Think
I want to answer a question that comes up regularly for all artists. Actually, I’m fairly certain it comes up for all humans.
Why is it that whenever we have an idea to do something–like, move to a new city, change jobs, take a big audition, enter a competition, or go back to school–the first thing we do is start worrying about what other people are going to think?
Why do we DO that? Should we do it? And if not, how do we stop?
This concern that people might disapprove, or have any negative opinion regarding our behavior has stopped so many people from pursuing their desired path. From the teenager afraid to come out with the truth about who they love, to the lawyer afraid to admit that really, they’re a painter at heart, we have allowed the fear of what others might think, stop us in our collective tracks.
And it’s a damn shame.
It makes perfect sense WHY that fear comes up. After all, we are a tribal species. There was a time when being cast out of ones community left you frighteningly vulnerable to wild animals and the elements. Being cast out of the tribe meant certain death.
All mammals naturally pile up on one another–to keep warm, and to protect each other from wind, rain, cold, and predators. Have you ever noticed that sitting next to a loved one on the sofa is more comforting if you’re actually touching, than if you have space in between you?
So it’s only natural that our brains will do whatever is necessary to protect us from doing something that might upset the proverbial tribe–whether that is our colleagues, friends, family, neighbors–any sort of community we are a part of.
- Your brain will tell you that everyone will think it’s a stupid idea.
- Your brain will tell you that everyone will laugh at you.
- Your brain will convince you that you should just shut up and keep doing what you’ve all been doing.
Our brains are so good at this, in fact, that we can actually picture specific people mocking us, laughing at us, we can see images of them huddled together in the corner, talking about us behind our backs.
“She’s getting too big for her britches.”
“Why is she acting like she’s better than us?”
“Does she really think she could win that job?”
And since we can see it, we can also hear that person’s actual voice saying those things. It’s as if it’s real. As if they have already said them, and we are standing there, left to deal with the consequences.
But of course, no one has said anything–at least not that you know of–and taking, or not taking an action based on something your brain made up, is the same as being mad at someone because of something they did in your dream.
THEY DIDN’T ACTUALLY DO ANYTHING!
It would be easy for me to say something like: “Well, we’re not living in pre-historic times. We’re not literally in a tribe of animals keeping each other alive. Being cast out from your friends and colleagues wouldn’t actually kill you. And as far as you know, no one has said anything negative about you.”
“So stop worrying about it and just do what you want”
But it’s a bit more nuanced than that, isn’t it?
It would be great to tune out the noise of our brains and convince ourselves that everyone wants the best for us and that they would be supportive and happy for us no matter what.
That would allow us to think happy positive thoughts and move forward with our ideas and projects free of any fears or doubts.
But that’s not how it works.
Especially in the arts.
We’re a catty bunch, after all, at least, it can seem that way in groups of artists. There’s a certain “mob mentality” That comes out. The group of musicians complaining about the soloist during rehearsal breaks. The dancers picking apart the actions of that one colleague–how dare she think of herself as a choreographer! The artists gathering in the corner of a gallery opening talking about how the show’s artist is a “total sell-out”
We’ve all seen that. Everyone nods in agreement and heads off to the bar. Crabs in the bucket, doing their best to pull each other back down to the bottom.
It’s enough to keep anyone from trying anything new. Ever.
But here’s the thing! That might be what they’re saying in their huddled groups, but that’s not what they are each thinking individually. Individually, they are thoughtful. compassionate. Understanding. And individually, they want to know how they can get invited to play a concerto with orchestra. They would love to find the courage to expand their skills as a choreographer, or they are also looking for that sweet intersection of art that matters to them, and art that people want to buy.
Okay, so if we accept that 1) The voices we’re hearing in our head are purely made up and not real. And also 2) That in groups, people can be a little catty and try to keep others from rising to the top, how the heck do we get around worrying about what others think? Here are 5 ways:
1. Focus on the Individual, not the group.
When I first announced that I was ending my career as a professional cellist, I heard about groups of people talking about me–at parties, at rehearsals, during their commutes–the gossip traveled back to me quickly.
But the number of people who reached out to me individually to say that they ALSO wondered what it would be like to stop performing and thanked me for setting the example, was huge. In fact, some of those individuals were ALSO part of those groups of gossipers.
So worry less about what people are saying in groups, and make an effort to have conversations with people one-on-one. You’ll get their real thoughts, and those thoughts are more likely to be ones of support, understanding, and enthusiasm.
2. Remember that humans are too self-absorbed to care about what you’re doing (or not doing)
While people might gossip about your news when they first hear about it, they are far too busy living their lives to actually invest time and energy into your endeavors. One minute they are obsessed with “who you think you are, exactly?” and the next minute, they’re getting a call from the mechanic that their car needs an expensive repair, or the school is calling about their kid, or they get an email about a gig and voila, they are no longer concerned with you.
As an exercise, think back to the last time you heard a bit of juicy gossip about someone. How often have you thought about it since?
Yeah–that’s what I thought.
3. Remember that Criticism and Compliments are more about the giver than the receiver.
When someone compliments your hair, it’s not just that your hair looks good. It’s that your hair looks good in the way that THEY think hair should look. If they compliment your clothes, it’s because it matches their style. If they compliment you on a decision or a choice you’ve made, it’s because they also think that is the right thing to do. In other words, it’s about them. You’ve mirrored them and validated their own ideas about themselves.
Likewise, when someone criticizes you, it has more to do with them than you. I’m not talking about when you are actually, morally, ethically, or legally in the wrong–if you’ve screwed up and hurt people, that criticism is about you. (sorry). I’m talking about when someone criticizes your Elgar concerto and it’s because they are still bitter that they didn’t win that competition with their Elgar that one time, decades ago, and it was unfair, and they hate that piece and everyone who plays it.
Or they criticize a career move you’ve decided to make because they once could’ve made that decision but they chose differently. Your choice unwittingly challenges their past decision. It has nothing to do with you.
4. You’ll never see someone ahead of you criticize your wanting to make progress
Only those who are behind or at the same level will do that–they’re too scared to do it themselves and they’ve been justifying it by convincing themselves and everyone around them that it was a bad idea. If you do it, then you’ve just blasted through all their excuses.
This one is something I have seen time and time again, and I experience it personally. As Theodore Roosevelt said (and Brene Brown has brought back into pop culture) Being the Man in the Arena is not easy, and it’s not for the faint of heart. No one who has ever been in that arena (or any arena, really!) will criticize someone asking to be let in. If someone is pulling you down to the bottom of that bucket, it’s only because they’ve never seen the top.
5. They won’t be around forever.
A little over a year ago, I knew the time had come for me to stop teaching cello. My coaching and writing work were taking off, consuming more of my time and energy, and it was getting harder and harder to have the necessary time for both. But I had one student who had 1 year left in high school. I lost quite a bit of sleep worrying about what people would think if I “abandoned” a long-term student in their last year. In the end, I decided I needed to do what was best for me, but wouldn’t you know it, right before the school announced that I was leaving, this student quit–” wanted to focus on other aspects of her college application process” Had I decided to stay on another year, it would have been for her sake. But she didn’t even feel the need to say goodbye. For the record, I don’t have any bad feelings about this student–she made the best decision for her at the time, and I wish her all the best, of course. But it goes to illustrate that while we spend all this time worrying about what others will think, say, and do in terms of OUR decisions, they’re busy dealing with their OWN decisions, and often those decisions involve taking themselves out of the picture altogether.
At the end of the day, you’re the only one with all of the information about your life, and your life is your decision–not anyone else’s. If you’re going to concern yourself with what people will say about you, shift it to this: What do you want people to say about you at your funeral? Those are the things that are important to you. Go and do those things. No matter what anyone says about it.
Cheers,
Kate x
P.S. If you enjoyed this blog post and want more insider info on how to thrive as a creative, be sure you get on the list to receive my Friday “Weekend List” Newsletter. Each one is loaded up with additional tips, tricks, and things to think about, including a new curated list of articles, books, podcasts, and things I think you’d enjoy. Click Here to Get the Next Issue!
What if it Was Easy?
We’ve all been there. Deep in the beginning stages of a project–and actually, it’s not quite the beginning. The beginning is fun! That’s when we jot down the ideas and it all just flows, and we have our mindmaps and our vision boards, and even after we’ve gotten it out of our minds and onto the page, it’s still shiny and new and exciting.
No, I’m talking about when you are IN IT. When you find yourself faced with an epic to-do list, and looming deadline, and emails and texts from people involved who are doing their very best to um…if not totally burn it down, then at least keep you on your toes. Someone cancels on you and you have to find a replacement. You are sent strange forms that you need to figure out in order to apply for the permit. It can feel like you’re drowning in it all, and it’s enough to make you want to quit.
That’s when most people quit.
But you’re not most people, are you?
What if I told you there was a slight mindset shift you could make that would end the sense of overwhelm and maybe, just possibly, turn it into an almost enjoyable experience?
What if it was Easy?
Now, by “Easy” I don’t mean that you can sit on your sofa playing video games all day and suddenly you’ll have a finished project ready to launch. Great accomplishments take work. Sometimes that work involves long hours. So if you’re afraid of working, this episode isn’t for you. But you’re a creative, which means you are not afraid of work. You’ll spend hours working on a piece of music, new choreography, standing in front of a canvas until it’s just right.
You’re no wimp.
But what if those long hours didn’t feel like like “hard work.” What if they felt…Easy?
It’s a tool I came to out of desperation. I was at a point of complete paralysis staring at everything that had to be done to launch a new project.
The to-do list, the responsibility, the new skills required, the complicated forms my dyslexic brain couldn’t make heads or tails out of, it was all so overwhelming I wanted to cry “uncle” and quit it all.
But I didn’t want to quit. I WANTED to see this project out in the world. It was important to me, and it was going to be important to a lot of other people too. So I had to figure something out.
I took a deep breath and looked at the tasks before me. As a whole, it looked insurmountable, but I was in survivor mode. And like any good survivor movie, I just needed to put one foot in front of the other.
What followed became my go-to way of approaching my work. Thankfully, you don’t have to get into survival mode for it to work. If you start with it, it’ll ward off the overwhelm like an evil eye.
Here’s how to make it easy.
1. Identify what is making it feel hard.
Sometimes, what is feeling “hard” is really just annoyance. Annoyance that the list of tasks is going to take a long time. It doesn’t seem fair that you have to work a couple of hours on the weekends to get it done. It’s not right that you don’t have a staff to help you. Frustration is another one that comes up. You need to log in, but you can’t remember your password, so before you can even get started, you need to reset your password. We’ve all been there. But that’s not hard. It’s just frustrating as hell.
And sometimes it’s because there is a skill involved that you’re not comfortable with yet. Maybe the project requires setting up Facebook ads–and, if it makes you feel any better, it’s not you, my friend. Those are notoriously annoying to set up the first time.
Sometimes it’s a concern over the outcome that makes it all feel so hard. We feel a sense of responsibility for the result, so every step feels wrought with risk. You might fear that someone will say no, or that it won’t be possible. That there might be obstacles that you need to overcome.
Maybe, but you’ll figure out the next step then. Why are you letting the fear of something not going well, keep you from doing it at all?
Identifying what is at the root of it feeling “hard” can help us unravel it and get around it. If it’s the annoyance of it. The unfairness of having to do the work, you have 2 choices. You can hire help, or, if you don’t have the funds, or you simply don’t want to relinquish control, then just accept that it’s a project that is going to temporarily take up quite a bit of space on your calendar, but that it’ll be worth it. You’ll be fine. The time will pass either way. This way, you’ll have a finished project at the end.
If it’s about a skill that you’re lacking, you can learn the skill. Instead of staring blankly at that FB ads manager screen scratching your head, open a new tab, watch a couple of Youtube videos explaining the step-by-step process, and just do it. One step at a time.
And if it’s concern for the result? Reminding yourself that there is just as much chance of it all going well, and that no matter WHAT the result is, you’ll have grown in all sorts of ways, and you’ll have valuable experience that can help make the NEXT one even better.
2. Find the “Easy”
Once you’ve identified WHY the tasks in front of you seem hard, you can break it down into easy steps. Let’s go back to that frustrating moment of trying to log in and needing to reset your password. 1st. Breathe. 2nd. You just need to reset your password. That’s not hard. 3rd. Ah. 2-step verification, but your phone is in the other room. Again, that’s not hard. You just need to get up, walk into the other room, and get your phone. Easy. Then you need to enter those numbers in. Then you need to log in again, and now you can get on with it.
All told, that minor setback only costs you about 90 seconds of work time–you’ll waste far more than that doom scrolling on Instagram during your project work, trust me. So don’t sweat it. Focusing on the ease of each task keeps the blood pressure down, and the cortisol at bay.
You just need to find their email address from their website. You just need to enter a question into the search bar. You just need to answer the questions on the form. One by one.
Make it a little game you can play. How is this stupidly simple? You’ll find that even the most complicated tasks (I’m looking at you multi-country business taxes!) are just a series of hundreds of seriously easy tasks. (“Write your full name on this line”).
Easy does it.
3. What would Easy look like?
Think of something that you do often now that felt overwhelmingly difficult the first time you did it. Driving a car? Teaching a lesson? Buying a car? Making Bolognese? When you do that thing now, it feels super easy.
Before, you kept an air of intense nervous focus while reading each line of the bolognese recipe 5 times making sure you weren’t chopping too many or two few carrots–you were so afraid of messing it up. You yell at your partner to turn the music down because you need to concentrate! These days? you’ve got some tunes on, you wipe your hands on your well-loved apron and pour yourself a glass of chianti to enjoy while you cook. You gather ingredients on the table and start chopping, stirring, browning. No recipe in sight, because you know it by heart now. You can have a conversation with your partner while you cook and you’re laughing and smiling, thinking about the incredible meal in your near future.
The latter is much nicer, right? Seems fun. The work isn’t any easier now. You’ve had more practice, so you can do it faster, sure, but chopping an onion is chopping an onion.
So put the tunes on now and enjoy the process.
For you, think about a project that seems difficult to you now. Could be a piece you’re working on, or an event you’re planning. Imagine you’ve performed the piece for years, or that this is the 4th year in a row for your amazing event.
How would it feel to do the work if it all truly felt easy and familiar? Would you have your feet up on the desk? Would you be thinking more about phrasing than panicked about making the shift? Would you have music on? Send the necessary emails like they’re your old friends and collaborators?
How does the energy shift when you think about it that way? How can you bring some of those things into your current work? How would you approach your new work if it felt more like returning to an old friend?
4. Be Kind to Future You
When we do things for the first time, they can take a while to figure out. It might have been a series of stupidly simple tasks, but there might have been a lot of them! You can make your future life a lot easier by creating a template of it. Did you finally settle on the perfect project budget? Great. Make it a template that you can use the next time you do a project. You might end up tweaking it a bit, but you won’t have to start from scratch again.
5. Systematize the Process for Next Time
As you work through various tasks, you might find that, as easy as the individual steps are, you could make the whole process easier for you. Example: Doing your taxes. It’s not HARD to go through all of your accounts and credit card statements each year, but you COULD set up quickbooks and save yourself a lot of steps (and time) in the future. As you work, jot down ideas you have to make your life even easier.
6. Keep a Needed Skills/Knowledge List
Speaking of jotting down ideas, keep a list going-in an app, or a google doc–whatever you like that is easily accessible–nd write down skills that you’d like to develop, or knowledge you’d like to obtain. Maybe while setting up your first website, you kept reading about the importance of SEO. Maybe your priority was in getting the website up and running as soon as possible. Great. Add SEO to your list of things that you’d like to learn about when you have more time.
Other examples might be: FB ads, Non-profit structures, or French. I like to choose one thing from my list each quarter and dig in a bit. I’m always surprised when it comes in handy!
These last 3, Creating templates, setting up systems, and creating a skills list are all great ideas for a Quarterly Retreat. Mine is coming up next week–actually, if you’re reading this in real-time, it’s at the end of THIS week, and I CANNOT wait! I love these little stay-at-home retreats I do every quarter to take stock of the last 90 days, set up the next 90 days, and take a bit of time to organize and optimize all the things. It’s the best. And, if you would like to do one too, I created a little guide on how to structure one to get the most out of a few days (or partial days).
You can grab the link HERE, and get started on setting up your own retreat. We’re coming up to the end of Quarter 1, so this is the perfect time!
Okay, my friend. Have an amazing week! And don’t forget to find the Easy in everything you do.
Cheers,
Kate
Doing Less to Get More Done
I want to talk about something that comes up a lot both in the work I have done in Music as well as the work I do in life in general. It’s the idea of doing less, in order to get more done.
That’s right, I hereby declare that Status is no longer attained through being “Busy.”
Quality is the new Quantity.
Gone are the days when we would look with envy at that guy–let’s call him “Player A”– running into and out of a rehearsal–barely making it into his seat in time for the downbeat–gosh, we used to think “He’s SO IN DEMAND!! HE MUST BE AMAZING”
These days? We look at the person sauntering in with a vanilla chai latte in hand–. ”Player B” is smiling, with time to chat with their friends. This person? They’ve got it going on. They have a small, but elite studio of advanced students, run a successful and always-sold-out chamber music series, and performs the concerts THEY want. They’re not frantic, they’re not exhausted. But they are:
- Artistically fulfilled
- Doing work that matters to them
- The creators of important legacy projects that will outlast them
- Enjoying plenty of time to relax, think and create
- Financially secure
Both player A and player B are awesome players. Both went the the “right” schools, had the “right” teachers, and both have stellar reputations as a colleague and a person.
So what’s the difference?
Player B made the decision to do Less, in order to get more done
In music it looks like this:
Identifying the 3 notes that are tripping you up in a tricky passage and practicing those for 5 minutes instead of going over and over the entire passage for 10 minutes—usually without much progress.
When I taught my eager and enthusiastic cello students, I often talked to them about the power of doing less, not (only) so that they wouldn’t become exhausted and burned out, but so that they had time to really think about what they were doing, and as a result, make faster progress.
For them, it might look like only being in one youth orchestra as a student so that they have more time to practice and improve their playing skills.
Or having half of their lessons virtually to save a 2-hour commute (giving them more time to practice).
I, too, have had to learn the benefits of doing less in order to get more done. In my case, it has less to do with tricky passages in a cello concerto, and more to do with streamlining the work that I was doing. 10 years ago, I had the equivalent of 3 full-time jobs. I had obligations to too many people, and way too many of my hours were spoken for. My bandwidth was stretched to the max. And ironically, I never felt like I had any time to get any ACTUAL work done. The kind of work that mattered most.
One concern I had when I decided to stop performing, (and then I had it again when I stopped teaching two years later) was that clients would think that in order to have any success leveling up their career or creating big programs and events like I have, they, too, would have to quit.
Some of them were looking for permission to do just that. (and, yes, permission granted, my friend! I hereby grant you permission to do whatever you want to do!)
But others love performing and can’t imagine a day when they would ever want to give it up.
And that’s great too!
I think it’s definitely possible to do different things. I very successfully Performed and taught, and ran a large chamber music program. And then I taught in person, and ran an online cello program and festival, and had a coaching program.
But there’s a limit to how many different things one can do before there’s no time left in your schedule to work on YOU.
The freelance musician who is running around from rehearsal to rehearsal all over the entire region, squeezing every possible gig into their schedule like a 1000-piece jigsaw puzzle. In the moment, being able to squeeze in that $200 memorial service on a Wednesday morning seems like a victory. But over the long term, every morning practice session you gave up delayed your progress as a musician. Every 2-hour commute to a “kinda crappy” gig meant that you lost 2 precious hours of figuring out your ideal recital program, or booking your own concerts, or starting that chamber music series–The things that you’ll look back on with pride.
The artist who is teaching classes at three different schools, babysitting, and working at Starbucks. When do they have time to make their own art?
Do less by…Cutting Expenses
Okay–let’s talk about what needs to be talked about. Artists are not paid enough. So, maybe it takes three teaching jobs, babysitting work, and a job as a barista just to pay your bills. I get that. (trust me, I GET that) but these moments need to be moved through as quickly as possible.
Generally speaking, I think you should look for ways to make more money, rather than live a life of desperate frugality. BUT…sometimes, to get out from under the giant boulder of “needing to do 20 jobs in order to pay rent” you need to cut whatever expenses you can until you can start increasing your revenue.
What if you’re in a period of your life when you need to be focused on your craft?–you’re preparing to submit your work to a big art competition, or you’re taking auditions, trying to get an orchestra or acting job.
This is a period of time when you want to say no to as many things as possible and spend as much time as possible investing in your craft. Spend whatever money you can scrape together on audition excerpt training, lessons, and the flights you’ll need to take. Say no to both the low-paying gig with a 3-hour commute and dinner out with your friends.
Do Less by…Charging more money for what you ARE doing:
I had a colleague who would ONLY play a gig if they were principal. “If I have to be there,” they said “I might as well be making as much as possible–that way I don’t have to take as many gigs”
When I streamlined my teaching into my online program I taught less (technically) and charged far more than I had previously. But I was also giving my students twice the value in other ways. There are things that they need and benefit from that don’t require more of your time!
You can also apply for grants, funding, or donations (depending on your status as a non-profit, etc) but there are ways to bring other people into the fold to support the work that you are doing.
So while Player A spent 9 hours of his week rushing around the city to play three low paying gigs and proving just how “in demand” he is, Player B was at home curled up with her cat writing a grant proposal that will bring her the $5000 needed to cover the costs of her next chamber music series concert—including her pay has artistic director, which is quite a bit more than what Player A made that week.
Do less by…Being the best at 1 thing:
Being “the Best” is pretty subjective, especially in the arts, but the more specialized you are, and the better you are at doing that specialized thing, the higher your rate can be. Are you an expert in a particular genre or style of music? Or a particular aged student? Or a particular art medium? Carving out a niche for yourself can be both rewarding and lucrative.
This might not be appealing to you–you might love the wide variety of work opportunities you get—that’s great! But for some, niching down is exactly the right thing.
Do less by…Finding the unifying factor
I’m the first to admit that on paper, the past few months have seemed cRAZY busy for me, I launched a podcast in January, and then Profit Pivot in February–those two on top of my Creatives Leadership Academy program, my 1:1 coaching, and the work I do running a local orchestra.
But really, all of those things are just 1 thing. I help people to create and live the lives they have always dreamed of. It’s what I do with my 1:1 clients, my CLA cohort, Profit Pivot, it’s what I am doing with this podcast, and it’s even what I am doing with the Philharmonic. Providing the musicians with a container in which to play great repertoire, and express themselves through music, and providing residents with a vibrant cultural landscape that they can enjoy and be proud of!
This IS essentially my niche, my one thing. On paper, it might look like 5 things, but to me, and in my mind, they are just one. And that one thing leaves me:
- Artistically fulfilled
- Doing work that matters to me
- The creator of important legacy projects that will outlast me
- Enjoying plenty of time to relax, think, and create
- Financially secure
None of this comes by accident, of course. Luck has nothing to do with it. It’s about…wait for it…intentionality. It really does always come back to that, doesn’t it? It’s about having some clarity around what you want to be known for. The kind of work you do, rather than how much of it you do. The quality of it, rather than the quantity.
What can you clear off your plate this year so that you can have more time to do the things that matter? If you put those things aside, how would you spend that extra time? And how could those activities bring in as much or more money than the ones you cleared off?
If you’d like a bit of structure around how to think through these questions and plan out the next 90 days with more intentionality, go download my Quarterly Retreat Planning Guide. This is my popular guide that will show you exactly how I plan out my stay-at-home retreat, how I prepare for it, and what I do each day to ensure the next 90 days are met with intentionality, progress, and plenty of white space for fun and relaxing goodies. Grab it today, and start planning your next retreat (don’t forget the croissants!)
Have a great week!
Kate
How to Ask for Help (and how NOT to)
Today’s topic is “Help”. Asking for it. Giving it, and why it can be such an awkward experience on both sides—especially for artists. This is a journey that I am STILL on. Asking for help has always been my biggest challenge, and although I LOVE helping other people, and literally do it for a living, I also have some strong opinions, and a few pet peeves about the ways some help is sometimes asked for.
Today we’re getting a bit spicy.
One idea that falls under the “Old and aged-out advice” category, is the idea that the most successful artists in this world were lone-wolf outliers who achieved that elite status all by themselves. We have romanticized notions of the dark, brooding, socially aloof artist who doesn’t have (or need or want) any friends, who famously ignores the wisdom and advice of their teachers, and who wins fame and glory by doing their own thing. Completely isolated and on their own.
I’d like to call BS.
Because that guy? They likely had a wealthy sponsor (or wealthy parents) who paid their rent, bought them a fancy instrument, or gave them studio space. The teacher they famously ignored? They still paved the way for them in a hundred different ways. Whether or not they admitted it, there’s one thing I know for sure, and that is that at one point or another, they had some help.
And that’s great! There is absolutely nothing wrong with having some help along the way to our dreams. in fact, I highly encourage it!
We ALL need some help from time to time. But asking for help can be an awkward thing–especially for artists, who are accustomed not only to having to do the bulk of their work honing their craft alone in dark rooms but in an ultra-competitive environment where it behooved us to pretend that we were little geniuses who had all the answers. NO MATTER WHAT.
If we were to come into some valuable information—about an upcoming competition, say, or a more helpful way of doing something–we would NEVER share it. “Why would we ever just give away our competitive edge?” Our scared little brains would ask.
Unfortunately, I see that carrying over into adulthood as well. Artists are slow to share things with each other. They hold a new favorite podcast as close to their chest as they do the fact that they might be taking the concertmaster audition that’s coming up- afraid of losing that edge.
And they are also slow to ask for help in mid-career. They are supposed to know everything, right? They’re supposed to be able to figure it all out. They don’t need help creating their next work of art, so why would they need help launching their new gallery?
I see this firsthand in my coaching work–Especially when I’m enrolling a new group program. If you’re reading this on the original posting day, I’ve just completed enrollment for my 6-month group program, Profit Pivot, and it was no different.
There’s a stage where people are just circling. I can see that they’ve opened and read all of the emails, checked out the sales page a few times, etc. They might have even come to my 5-Day Challenge, but one thing they won’t do is talk about the project they have in mind. For some, it’s too soon, and I totally respect that. There is a period of incubation (for us, and the project) where making it vulnerable to criticism can shut us down completely. But for a lot of people, they have trouble getting past that inability to say “I have this idea, but I’m not sure what to do with it.”
Or, god forbid, “I think I could use some help getting this off the ground.”
Luckily, most of them eventually get there in time. The people in this year’s cohort have some amazing projects and ideas, and they are going to be SO GLAD they raised their hand for this.
I’ll admit, I also have a very complicated relationship with the idea of asking for help. As a latch-key kid, with busy parents, The phrase “Look it up in World Book” (the ’80s and 90s leather-bound version of Google) rang out in our house regularly.
We were being taught how to be resourceful and self-sufficient. Both of my parents were more than happy to spend time teaching us a skill–how to cook, sew, garden, or put up drywall, for instance. Things that you couldn’t learn from a book as well as you could from an experienced person (again, the 80s and 90s version of YouTube)
But “Hey Mom, what’s the capital of Wyoming?” was not something she was going to waste her breath on. The answer I needed was written in that leather-bound book on the shelf. Volume “W”. I could find it myself.
That translated well to a life in the competitive arena of the arts.
So I might have started out with a bit of a chip on my shoulder when it came to asking for help, but I think I’ve figured out a few things along the way. Some of these are basic rules of “Help-Etiquette” some are ways of reframing the kind of help you need, and some are just pet peeves of mine. They drive me bananas–in fact, let’s start with one of those…
#1) Don’t ask someone to fetch information that you can get yourself.
AKA, allow me to introduce you to my friend, Google. Or…World Book. Your choice.
The capital of Wyoming. The email address of that person who has a public website with their email address right there. What String Theory is (nobody knows.)
Unless that person is a paid assistant, or you are simply delegating work amongst equal partners, if you can use a basic search engine to find the answer, do not ask someone else for it.
#2) Ask for what you REALLY need.
Are you wondering what the capital of Wyoming is? Or are you wondering what life is like in Cheyenne. Because you’d have to ask someone who has lived there or at least visited there, and that is a very valid question to ask them. Be as specific as possible, and include the why as well as the what.
Do you need that person’s email address? Or are you hoping for a personal email introduction to them? Ask for the introduction–not the email. Bonus points for “Person X’s email address is on their website, so I can just email them myself, but since you know them, would you be willing to send a quick introduction email for me? I think it would make a big difference.”
People love to help. Don’t you? It feels good to know that you were able to help someone else. So don’t be afraid to be a bit vulnerable and ask for what you need, and why you need it.
#3) Don’t expect other people to drop what they are doing in order to jump onto your timeline.
One of my biggest pet peeves is when people pop into my inbox or DM’s, tell me they’re in the middle of something and have a question they want me to answer. They make it clear that they want and expect an immediate answer from me so that they can get on with their work.
Something like “I’m in the car, about to drive to my gig, and I wanted to listen to that podcast you mentioned. Which episode was it again?” I have 2 issues with this: a) You can pull up the podcast and figure it out if you really need to know immediately b) I’m sitting here at my desk working on something. I see the notification. I don’t really want to lose focus, so I would normally ignore it until later. But now I know that I’m choosing to make you wait on it, and I have to do the mental gymnastics to not feel guilty. But honestly, if I stopped working every time a question came in, I’d never get anything done.
Now, caveat: This one goes both ways. We (especially those of us who are teach) should not feel that we need to drop everything and help everyone “in the moment” every time. Are there situations where we might want to? Yes. Of course. If a student of mine called me from Boston saying that they were backstage before a concert and forgot their bow at home, I would drop everything and call all of the cellists I knew within a 10-mile radius and get them a bow. Emergencies are emergencies, after all. But too often we make that the norm, which leads to expectations that we are ALWAYS available to drop everything and help them whenever they want something.
So it’s up to us to help others learn the difference, and it’s also up to us to not put our timelines on others.
#4) The difference between asking for help and asking a favor.
Asking for help should be reserved for things that you absolutely cannot do (or cannot do as well) on your own. Help with learning how to do something. Help by having them share their wisdom and experience on a situation.
A favor is something that you can do but would like someone else to do for you. Can you pick up the kids today? Can you take that bag of trash out? Can you come over this weekend and help me move? You ask someone to do you a favor to free up your time or make something easier for you.
Help is asked for and given freely–because we all need it at some point. Favors, however, should be re-paid–either in kind or in pizza.
You can even ask Google-able questions if they are presented as favors. Ie “Hey, I’m super swamped trying to meet this deadline, can you do me a favor and find Person X’s email address? It’s probably just on their website.”
#5) Don’t mistake “needing help” for “wanting connection”
We see this on the other side from the “intense” friend, or the “needy” student, right? It seems they are constantly in need of SOMETHING–and it’s often those Type 1, or Google-able asks. Well, more often than not, it’s a connection they are craving more than the need for help. They’re looking for an excuse to reach out.
This is a lesson I had to learn the hard way. When I moved to Bermuda to live with my husband, I was a cellist, and he was a sailor. I knew all about music, and he knew all about boats. And he would happily come to my concerts, and I would happily go to his boaty things. At some point, It became clear that gardening, and specifically, growing vegetables was something we were BOTH interested in–AWESOME! How fun! He and I got to work and cleared some spaces out on our property, created beds, and….and then he loved it so much, he started his OWN garden at the school where he teaches.
I would pout and get upset that he wasn’t “Helping” me in the garden, and he would be annoyed because he knew damn well that I didn’t NEED his help in our home garden. He would proceed to talk about all of the things he was growing vs what “I” was growing and compare speed of growth, size, taste, or which was worse: my slugs, or his chickens.
I was so frustrated, and downright angry every time he wanted to talk about his garden, and he couldn’t understand why I was so resentful of his school garden.
Eventually, I realized that it was true that I didn’t need his help in the garden. I wasn’t craving assistance, but rather I was looking for a way for us to spend time together doing something we both equally enjoyed. Once I was able to articulate that? Well, he still drives off to tend his own garden instead, but at least he understands my intent, and he’s slowly starting to see it as an opportunity for spending quality time together.
Okay, so we’re all just trying to navigate ways to connect, help, be helped, and do great things. I hope that your #1 takeaway is that it’s totally okay—more than okay, in fact, to ask for help. Getting input from others makes things better, leaning on the networks, wisdom, and experience of other people can help us grow stronger, and collaboration creates a wonderful sense of connection.
Just remember these few simple rules:
#1) Don’t ask someone to fetch information that you can get yourself.
#2) Ask for what you REALLY need
#3) Don’t expect people to jump onto your timeline.
#4) There’s a difference between asking for help and asking a favor.
#5) Don’t mistake “ needing help” for “wanting connection”
Have a great week, my friend!
Cheers!
Kate
P.S. And if you are ready to get some help getting your career to a point of Creative Fulfillment and Financial Reward, please feel free to reach out. Here’s a link to book a discovery call. I would love to chat with you!
How to Keep Yourself From Bailing On Your Goals
Hello, friend, I hope you have had an incredible week. Over the past 7 years of this blog, we’ve covered a lot of territory, but whether we’re talking about staying healthy while on tour, how to time-block, or set up your teaching studio, the one major theme running through this platform is how Artists and Creatives can Thrive instead of merely Survive.
We cover mindset obstacles like imposter syndrome and resistance, and we talk about tactics like time-blocking and how to create artistic projects. Mostly though, this is a place where, as a creative, you can gain the confidence to craft your career in the most fulfilling and aligned way. You can choose to ignore the old and now aged-out advice that you have to be a slave to your art at all costs, and that you MUST live in NYC, or London, or Berlin, and that you MUST do things a certain tried and true way. There is just too much evidence to the contrary. This is a place where you get to do your craft at the highest possible level and do it on your terms.
More often than not, getting from a tired-out career to this new, amazing career of your dreams requires working towards certain goals. And here we are in mid-February when we’re looking in the rear-view mirror at our New Year’s resolutions….sitting there on the dusty road, waving goodbye to us.
Today we’re talking about how we can keep ourselves from bailing on those goals. And the 3 things that you can do to stay the course and get to that coveted Point B.
Before we get into it though, I want to remind you that doors are open for my 6-Month Guided Program, Profit Pivot. This program is perfect for any creative with an idea for an artistic project–a workshop, class, festival, ensemble, chamber music series, or artists retreat… Anything at all!
We’ll take you step-by-step to get that project out of your head, and into the world.
Enrollment closes on Friday, February 23rd so get in there ASAP and check it out. Head over to KateKayaian.com for all of the details!
In the meantime, go ahead and grab your favorite beverage, find a cozy spot, and let’s dive into the 3 things that will keep you from bailing on your goals this year.
1. Casting Your Vote
The author, James Clear, writes in Atomic Habits: “Every action you take is a vote for the type of person you wish to become. No single instance will transform your beliefs, but as the votes build up, so does the evidence of your identity.”
I like to take this one step further. When I’m trying to reach a goal, I take the time to visualize the version of me that has met the goal. I see how THAT Kate is dressed, what she looks like, who she’s with, what she’s doing. Etc. For instance, let’s take my goal of finishing my book. I can close my eyes and imagine myself on my book tour, seeing my book on stands in those airport shops, signing books, and taking photos with people who read and loved the books–the works–I can see it all so clearly.
And then I imagine the version of me that doesn’t finish the book. Walking by airport bookstores wistfully, bitter, staring at that folder on my desktop with a half-finished manuscript year after year. Feeling disappointed in myself.
Once I have a very clear picture of both versions of Kate in my head, any decision I make around the book–am I going to write today? Have I sent the proposal? Will I apply for that writing retreat?–will be a vote for one of those 2 versions.
So it’s not JUST that a vote to write is a vote for Kate Kayaian, author of a NYT best-seller (go big or go home, right?). But the decision to NOT write. To put it off just one more day, to wait until I have more time, to choose to scroll Instagram instead, is a Vote for Sad, Bookless Kate.
Somehow the stakes are higher. It’s no different than politics, right? Your vote DOES matter–not just to elect the person you want, but also to keep the other person from winning instead.
2. Surround Yourself With People Who Are Crushing That Same Goal
This is important. This is why we encourage talented young musicians to attend a summer festival, young ballet dancers are shipped off to intensives. Every group has their own version. Being surrounded by people who share that goal inspires us and motivates us. You do NOT want to be the only kid in the dorm NOT practicing, and when you see other students push past struggles and obstacles, and see the more advanced students performing at a level you suddenly dream of reaching yourself? That’s magical.
And it’s the same for adults. Once we have our degrees and settle down into our careers, we start to think we can do anything on our own. But we are missing out on that magic. The writer’s retreat. The artists’ open studios, the weekend a professional musician spends at Tanglewood Aspen, or Verbier, suddenly re-invigorated.
If you want to start running, join a morning runner’s club. If you want to learn to paint, join a group painting class. It’s universal.
Sometimes it’s not easy to do it in person. Gardening is a difficult thing to do in a group setting because it’s very difficult to MOVE one’s garden around. But gardening communities run deep in the form of YouTube channel comment sections, seed-sharing get-togethers, and plant sales.
Whether it’s an in-person retreat or an online gathering of like-minded souls, Get yourself surrounded by the people who are going to motivate and inspire you to reach those goals.
3. Lock it In and Make it a Non-Negotiable
When I was growing up, I wanted to quit the cello so many times. It wasn’t that I hated the cello (I loved it!) It was usually because I didn’t want to practice, or had to give up a friend’s birthday party for group class…the usual story. There would be crying, tantrums, begging––anything to get my mother to let me quit, but she was German and stubborn, and she would stand there staring at me (completely unmoved by my suffering) and tell me that I had to keep playing until I was 18. At 18, I could do what I wanted.
It was non-negotiable. Not up for discussion. So I practiced, and I went to group class, and I improved, and I made close friends, and before I knew it, I didn’t want to quit anymore.
There were other moments when I kept myself on track with a goal by locking it in financially. When I lived in Miami, I wanted to start drawing. I bought some art supplies and a couple of books and figured I would teach myself. It would be nice to spend a couple of hours after rehearsal in my room, or out by the pool, drawing. What actually happened was I would spend the entire rehearsal thinking about heading home to draw, and then, walking out of rehearsal, friends would invite me over, or they’d be heading out for some sushi and well, there went the drawing date.
It wasn’t working. Weeks went by and I had ZERO drawings in my sketchbook. So I used the very little spare money I had and enrolled in an art class. The class was non-refundable, and obviously, there were no make-up sessions if we missed a class, so I got myself there week after week. Even when I didn’t feel like it. Even when all of my friends were heading out for sushi or to the beach.
One of my new habits is to do situps before bed. For the first few weeks, I would reason with myself EVERY NIGHT. I was tired. My abs still hurt from the night before. I was already in bed. It was too late, and I needed to get to sleep. Luckily, I was able to argue myself into doing the situps, but eventually, I just got tired of the nightly debate. I decided it was non-negotiable, and no matter what, the sit-ups happen.
What can YOU do to lock something in and make it non-negotiable? A friendly wager? An accountability partner who is as stubborn as my mother was? Or an investment that will put some higher stakes on the work? I swear some of my clients are as successful as they are Purely so that they can make a return on their coaching investment with me!
So there you have a few techniques that you can use to keep yourself from bailing on your goals. Create a clear vision of that goal-achieving version of you, and vote for THEM. Surround yourself with people reaching for similar goals. And find a way to lock it in and make it non-negotiable.
I can’t wait to hear how you have crushed your 2024 goals.
Cheers,
Kate x
P.S. If this post resonated with you and you’d like an easy way to tackle all 3 of these things so that you don’t end up bailing on that important 2024 goal, Check out Profit Pivot. Joining a group program like this is a great way to lock in your commitment, you’ll DEFINITELY be surrounded by other people who have similar goals, and what an amazing Vote for the person you are trying to grow into! If you’d like to hop on a call and chat about it, you can schedule a time for that here.